Momartfully

But she's the healthy one!

The kids are still out of town, at my parent's orchard. I got a call today from my mom, she took my youngest (daughter) in to the local hospital ER because she's been sick for a few days.

She's had a weird cyclical fever. Up for a couple hours and she was a sick little girl... then normal and she was perky. Mom was attributing the fever and behavior to homesickness and an emotional little girl missing her mommy and M.

I did caution Mom that I just tested positive for Strep and needed antibiotics - so I asked my mom to keep an eye on the fever and if it continued... tell any Dr. they see that my daughter has been exposed - and get her on antibiotics.

Well, a couple days later it turns out that indeed yes, my daughter also has Strep... but there's something more concerning as well. The ER Dr. told my mom that he could hear a significant heart murmur and that we need to have it checked ASAP.

Now, normally I wouldn't panic much about a murmur... I know enough about cardiac health to know that there's a baker's dozen of completely benign heart murmurs out there. My son was born with a couple heart issues - this wasn't new to me. I also know that Strep can be associated with heart issues. I also learned a great deal more about cardiology less than a year ago because my son wore a heart monitor to school for a month to rule out another heart issue.

Plus on the "M" Zen Daddy side of things... M's niece has had open heart surgery.Twice. She's a heart kiddo.

So... yeah. We know hearts, we've done the heart thing.

My daughter was checked for cardiac issues both in utero and at birth by a Perinatologist and a Pediatric Cardiologist. She was given a clean bill of health - no sign of the congenital cardiac issues or any other issues. The doctors basically pronounced her healthy and stated that it sure looked like my new little girl lucked out in the genetic lottery.

The problem is - I thought this baby was safe. I did not expect to be sideswiped by this from that particular child. She's the healthy one! It isn't supposed to happen this way - I don't panic when my son gets sick - mostly because I know I have to deal first and I can fall apart later when it's not an emergency. I've had practice with him... but not with her. It's not that I care differently about them or any sickness - I just wasn't prepared for this.

I guess that's the essence of parenthood, isn't it? It isn't the problems that you anticipate that get you, it's the sneaky problems that come out of nowhere and lay you out flat wondering what hit you.

I thought she was safe, and now I'm left wondering - and trying to not be emotional because my baby! Is far away! And sick! And needs me! And it could be bad! And it's my baby!

I'll put in a call tomorrow morning to our Pediatrician and get a stat referral for tests from the Cardiology Clinic at the local kid's hospital.

You better believe I am thanking my lucky stars right now that we have a Pediatrician... and a Pediatric Cardiologist... and a kid's hospital.

And I will cross every finger and toe I have - and light enough candles to light New York City for a month if I have to - to ensure that this is all just a great big silly misunderstanding and my "healthy" child is indeed my healthy child.

My neck needs a postal code

M and I just got back from our annual car trip to deliver my babies to their grandparent's orchard - so the kids could spend a few weeks running wild on acres of apple orchards hunting for field mice, sneaking unripe cherries and generally being spoiled rotten by my family.

This was supposed to be a couple child-free weeks for M and I (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). We are still temporarily child-free - just not quite in the way we were planning.

I woke up Thursday morning with a fever for the third day in a row, and with a new dizzy, drunken swagger (sadly, no "momtinis" were involved) and I had no neck. My neck was so swollen I looked like a frog. My lymph nodes were very, very annoyed with me, and they were now big enough to need their own postal code. It hurt... a lot. M laid down the law, enough was enough, he said (backing away fearfully from my neck of doom). It was off to the doctor for me. Period.

I've had a nasty cold for weeks that wouldn't go away. Cough, fever, and then a Pancreatic flare-up - which is usually my early warning system letting me know that some nasty bug is busy setting up housekeeping - and I'd better pay attention. But... like most moms, I don't pay a lot of attention when I'm sick... and like most moms I know I should.

M has been a major trooper putting up with sick kids and then a sick me for the past few weeks... but he was right, it was time for a forcible eviction.

After an emergency trip to the Clinic, an unplanned but very appreciated lie down on an exam table when I tried passing out in Reception (which, BTW, is a great way to annoy other patients while you jump the queue ahead of them). Thankfully I looked pretty sick so nobody said much, most continued glaring at their wait-your turn numbered slips and muttering. I had some guilt for getting to lie down. Mostly.

After a poke at my massive neck, a brief debate about a chest film, a throat swab and some "hmmmming" the Dr. asked me to watch his finger, just moving my eyes, while he waved it around. I nearly fell off the exam table and threw up on his shoes.

I am so sexy.

The Dr. prescribed a medication for the dizzyness (Betahistine) and a nice big course of antibiotics. I triumphantly declared myself to be the anti-Biotic Woman. Nobody else thought it was funny.

M now has me quarantined at home probably for the rest of the week. I wish I felt better and could enjoy napping and relaxing in bed... or spending my time in bed celebrating a couple child-free weeks like we should be.

On the plus side I finished lots of knitting on the trip there and back, and there were some interesting locally-produced yarns I found back in orchard country that I brought back. One yarn is from a local farm, spun at the farm and sold labelled "goat". That's it. Just "goat".

It's adorable.

I highly recommend bedrest for a couple days. After that it gets old. You'll also probably want to avoid the neck of doom and throwing up on everyone's shoes. Most people aren't very fond of that.

On not "raising my own kids"

If there's one phrase, one concept, one prejudice out there guaranteed to annoy me to the point where I'm almost chewing my own arms off in frustration... it's the idea that working parents aren't "raising their own kids".

"When you're raising children, you don't both go off to work and leave them for somebody else to raise." "This is not a statement against daycare. It's a statement about their belief in the importance of raising children properly."   Iris Evans, Alberta finance minister

It drives me bananas to hear anyone stating that a parent who isn't a stay-at-home parent is inferior and is not raising their children "properly" - especially if they're also claiming that due to the sheer audacity of actually working you have now reduced yourself to not "raising your own kids".

To hear statements like that come from a Finance Minister who was supposed to address the topic of  teaching children about financial responsibility and fiscal knowledge (like, oh, say, girls maintaining their own financial resources by working...?).

Well.

It's appalling, yes - but not surprising.

It takes a village

The argument that working parents are not "raising their own children" has never seemed logical to me. Some random questions I've wondered...

• Where did we first get the idea that raising a child is only a one person task? It certainly isn't from an anthropological/evolutionary basis (that stance would dictate a "tribe" of caretakers)
• Where is the border between not "raising" your child and "raising" them? When do parenting efforts become negated? How much time erases any "raising"? Does one hour "away" from your children negate it all?
• If "raising" a child is only one-to-one time with a parent - then is the job of "raising" a child done once they begin to spend any time with other people? Is "raising a child" transferable depending on who is spending time with a child?
• What about school - are we their parents while they're at school and not with us? Are teachers "raising" our children, too? After all, over the entire course of childhood teachers spend more time with our kids than early childcare providers do. Why isn't this argument made against sending our children to school?
• If we uphold that working mothers aren't "raising" their children because they are not with their children 24/7 - then why aren't we saying that fathers who also work out of the home or spend any time away are also NOT "raising" their children? If not, then why do fathers get time away with no negative impact, but mothers do not?
• are you still "raising" your child when your child is on a sleep-over? At camp? In the hospital? At a co-parent's house? If working isn't "raising" your child because you're not  with them - how can you still be "raising" them when they're not with you for other reasons?

My belief is that raising a child is the management of ALL of that child's influences, environments, exposures, lessons and morals through their growing years in their community - not just with me.

I admit it, I am fully a "it takes a village to raise a child" mom.

My kids are surrounded by loving, trusted adults every single day. Our "family" is huge. I welcome almost everyone - and their input - even if their input sometimes contradicts what I've been teaching, it opens a discussion for my kids and I - and that's how we all learn.

My village - my family - also includes our childcare provider.

I believe that my children learn invaluable lessons from our day home provider. I know that my kids get complimented everywhere we go because of their behaviour with even the smallest of babies - and it's entirely due to the fact that they spend time in a home with lots of kids of all ages. My kids get the benefit of living in a large family (day home) with all varieties of "siblings"... and they also get the benefit of individualized attention and a small family at home.

Who determined that parental care is always superior to professional care?

My childcare provider has a lot of superior aspects that she offers compared to what I would offer if I cared for my kids at home by myself.

I do not have the craft, toy and activity supplies my day home provider has. She has a garage filled with Rubbermaid totes of different "play centers" and "themes" that she rotates. I could not afford that amount of equipment - let alone find the room to store it. She has a swimming pool and she's a former lifeguard and she teaches the kids swimming in the summer - I take my kids swimming on weekends - but not every single day. She bakes - and I don't. She has a garden - and I kill plants no matter how hard I try to care for them. My kids try new foods at her home, they see different routines, values and  traditions than we have here. My daycare provider has loving, trustworthy young adult children who spend time with the little kids - offering my kids a great mentoring opportunity that I can't offer myself.

My kids also get the benefit of spending their day with other kids so they learn about modifying their behaviour for all ages and they learn about sharing, taking turns, compassion, empathy, generosity and they learn how to be mentors and heroes themselves.

IMHO raising a child is an inclusive lifestyle, not an exclusive one - we welcome the world in, we don't shut them out. We cannot exclude others from having influence unless we wall ourselves and our kids in to a cave. Learning to live in the world, to incorporate and evaluate our community influences and establish themselves as persons with their own ideas and morals in a varied community is the entire point of raising my children.

Parenting marathon

Raising a child also changes over time, which is a reality that is woefully absent in comments about how to parent "properly". Why do critics insist on myopically focusing on a small time frame - infancy - as the determining framework for an entire parenting career? A common argument supporting mothers as sole and constant, endless care provider is that mothers are ALL "designed" to care for children - forever - because they carried them when pregnant - or because they breastfeed the child as an infant.

I've always wondered how is the ability to breastfeed relevant when you're now raising a preteen - wouldn't the parent's temperament, skill set and a million other factors be more important?

Properly speaking

I guess I'll never measure up to Iris's image of "proper" parenting - and I don't think I'd want to. I want my parenting to be responsive, dynamic, inclusive and varied. I don't want to adhere to a narrow standard that is available only to a privileged few. I'd rather evaluate child care by it's result than by a personal moral stance.

I don't see a problem with any kind of child care with a positive outcome - for everyone. If the child's welfare is the guiding goal and desired outcome of any child care arrangement - and the child is happy and healthy... it might not be "proper", but that doesn't make it wrong.

Happy Fathers Day

We started out this morning with breakfast in bed for the two dads in this house... M and my Dad. Happy Fathers Day to all my single mom friends... And to all the Dads out there.