Working Moms Don't Balance

I commented on Momversation - in response to the video post "Are You a Stressed Working Mom?" (below).

Missing the "Target"... again

There were a couple things that bothered me about the Momversation video "Are You a Stressed Working Mom" - and I'm not alone.

The first issue (beyond a knee jerk "DUH" reaction) was that the panelists commenting on this issue are not typical working moms - they work from home and they work at what they love. Daphne acknowledged this issue by saying "We're not talking about real work". Yay for Daphne and her sensitivity to this issue... but unfortunately... misconceptions and a lack of experience in a typical, standard, normal working mother's schedule influence many of the other responses from panelist members.

Secondly, there's also a disturbing a defensive tone to the posts - "I work because I have to". Many of the responders seem to feel a need to apologize that they can't give up working. Why, for the love of Pete, can't we move past defending ourselves about working and parenting? Why should we even have to defend it to anyone? Why is even questioning any mother's working status even considered acceptable behaviour? We don't need to apologize, we aren't doing anything wrong by working.

Maggie responded to the idea of working with "I'm not cut out for that" - as if working is something you do if you're different, or it's a choice but not a need. Why do we continue to regard working as a choice or as unusual or a deviation from normal instead of a simple necessity for almost all adults?

Third, the assumption that working moms are miserable, stressed, scattered and that we all live like we're two-dimensional characters on television was also irritating. Where is Momversation getting their information - or rather their perceptions - from? TV? Blogs that are selling "balance" solutions or yoga or organizational programs?

C'mon Momversation, step away from the Target Moms "Lisa, Tara, Jodie, and Emily" (yeeech) and take a look at real moms with real lives. Either cover working mom topics with a reasonable amount of depth and respect - or don't.

About "balance"

Most of the working moms I know of gave up on the faulty idea of "balance" almost immediately. We aren't jugglers, we prioritize and compromise. We stay flexible.

I've been a F/T working single mom for years (recently not so single).

Kudos for noting that working from home as a blogger is worlds away from what the vast majority of working mothers deal with. I don't think it's entirely fair to represent working moms with work-at-home bloggers - most working moms do NOT enjoy that kind of flexibility, do-what-you-love fulfillment or work at home benefits. Most working moms have issues that weren't even touched on here.

What have I done to survive (these might not work for everyone - but can't hurt):

SHARE

The BEST thing I ever did was invite all the OTHER working, single moms (like there's any other kind) in my area to pool our resources and help each other out. We have an after-school/babysitting pool, we share unwanted gift certificates & coupons, we have a "night out" together so our kids are supervised and we have a social outlet with people who understand our realities.

Set up a clothing exchange and toy exchange with other moms. Offer to shop for other moms if you see a bargin or they can't squeeze it in.

Ask a SAHM if she'll help out (emergency child care?).

Ask relatives if they can provide before or after school care, summer care, or other support.

Find a reliable babysitter, or two and treasure them. Ask a single friend to babysit (best birth control ever - even if they LOVE your kids!) Let go of the idea that only mommy can care for the kids. Embrace the community that can be trusted and may enrich your child's life.

MAKE THE KIDS WORK

A three year old can make their bed - not very well, but it's a start. Train your kids to understand that everyone pitches in with chores, even if the results won't pass Martha standards. Adjust your standards and be happy with good enough house cleaning. In the grand scheme of things if it's healthy but not perfect - that's good enough.

PRIORITIZE

Don't waste time on things that don't matter to you (I don't watch TV, for example).

Feed all aspects of your kids and yourself first: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

Find a workplace that meets your needs. USE LEVERAGE - nice girls don't stay quiet they ASK FOR and GET what they NEED at work. Always shop for better jobs. Do everything you can to create flexible options at work.

Don't waste - cut back or eliminate TV, junk food, junk time or time wasting hobbies. Concentrate on your nearest and dearest.

Take multivitamins and eat well. SLEEP before ANYTHING else. Recognize that advice to indulge in a formal exercise program is usually coming from people who don't understand how time squeezed working moms REALLY are (in reality I don't know of any  working mom friend who has time for a formal "workout" aside from a working mom who is actually a fitness professional). Instead of trying to hit a gym - create fitness activities in your life - ditch the car for local errands and walk. Take the kids swimming every week. Try to get your hands on a jogging stroller or some bikes for all of you (second hand? auctions?). Coach a kids' team.

SUPPORT

Create a social event with other like-minded moms and MAKE time for it to feed your soul.

You are NOT ALONE. Realize that while you feel alone you're actually in the MAJORITY. We're all so busy we forget to look up from our lives and find and support each other. You may not hear voices like yours - but it's usually because we're too busy to share.

IGNORE CRITICS

Realize that most people who criticize are doing it from a place of privilege and have NO IDEA. None of us can change their minds, we can just be amazing at being working moms. If you're not doing it perfectly SO WHAT? Any artist will tell you that mistakes lead to some of the greatest discoveries or lessons there are. Accept happy accidents and imperfections, they may be the best gift you get.