Momartfully

A day at the hospital

My eldest and I spent the day at our local hospital for kids. He has a serious brain/spine structural defect that requires regular monitoring. While he was a baby the defect caused a whole host of serious issues, profound hearing loss, extreme fatigue, seizures, abnormal reflexes, serious motor delays, balance issues and swelling in the brain - but it suddenly improved spontaneously, and so did he.

We're not out of the woods yet, though. Eventually he will need neurosurgery to correct the problem - but we're hoping to put it off as long as possible as long as he remains stable. He is regularly monitored for seizure activity and hearing loss (due to pressure on the brain) - hearing tests, neurological tests like an EEG and brain/spine MRIs are part of our "normal".

His Pediatrician wanted a recent hearing test (already done) and MRI to monitor his current condition and to check for any changes. His teachers have noticed what may be increased absence seizures in class - but could also be some pretty typical daydreaming. He was diagnosed as having Epilepsy, but hasn't had a full tonic–clonic seizure or been medicated for seizures for years.

We should hear some answers in the next few days.

The scan was originally scheduled for after dinner, but we received a call the night before - his scan appointment had been moved earlier in the day. We were pretty thankful as we were concerned how late a night it was going to be for both kids, especially if they needed to do additional tests.

We arrived at the Childrens Hospital early in the morning, armored with a Double-double (mine) and a hot chocolate (his), a bag of knitting, and some reading for both of us (Percy Jackson for him, The Economist for me). We sat down in the cafeteria, with ceiling to wall windows and a playroom for the kids.

 

Here he is sitting in the playroom next to the cafeteria, working on one of the computer kiosks (this one featured art art/painting software).

"They have an Gamecube, too, mom". The ultimate endorsement.

 

Heading down the hall to the diagnostic imaging center (sometimes he moves too fast to get much more than a blur). Once we arrived there was a bit of confusion about the appointment being moved up - essentially one side of the department was not talking to the other side about which patients were moved around. At that point I knew that even if we were bumped back to later in the evening we weren't going anywhere for the day - it was just a matter of keeping the kiddo entertained for all those hours.

Eventually they figured it out and took us back to the MRI waiting room.

Reading Percy Jackson while we wait outside the big doors. One of the technicians took us in to a private room at one point to review the procedure and risks. Near the end she asked the kiddo if he had any questions.

He asked "Can I ask anything?"
"Sure" she replied.
"What time is Spongebob on?"
"What? You said I could ask anything."

She laughed and said she liked Spongebob too.

At least he has his sense of humour.

 

Eventually it was his turn, and we walked him to the MRI room and he hopped up on the table.

They plunked a set of headphones on him (noise cancellation and music) prepared the I.V. (to deliver contrast, if needed), attached him to the O2 monitor and put the call bell button in his hand.

Then came the "football helmet" plastic halo around his head and sandbags to help keep his head immobilized for the scan. Then the bed slid into the machine, they had to close the door and I went back to the waiting room.

It took about 20 minutes. At one point he got distracted and moved, but "they said it was okay". Thankfully they didn't need to use contrast this time (no I.V. yay!) although I think he was a little disappointed he wasn't going to be radioactive (not really, but he would love to be Spiderman, and this is the closest he'll get).

 

The scan went well and there wasn't anything that required immediate follow-up, so we were free to go home. We headed off to the cafeteria for sushi (his favourite), visited the hospital gift store for a small treat  and then caught a taxi home.

In one of those funny coincidences our taxi driver turned out to be a retired Pathologist. We had a nice chat about the malformation and it's symptoms and treatment. He was a lovely man.

Above is the kiddo's choice of reward from the hospital gift store - a plastic coral snake. He also very endearingly bought his sister a gift with the rest of his budgeted amount and surprised her with her gift after school.

The snake coordinates well with his "lucky shoes", doesn't it? I jokingly refer to his "lucky shoes" as his "feet o' flames".

We got home in time to make dinner, and then the kiddo and I promptly fell into bed early after a stressful but pretty positive day. As hospital visits go, this was a pretty enjoyable one, no surprises, no admission to the hospital and a conscious and relatively happy kiddo (he got to miss a day of school, after all!). Here's hoping the results are just as positive and we can relax for a while.

They don't LOOK "special needs"

Telling others that I have a child with special needs is never something I've really gotten good at - and it's been almost a decade now. It's a tough topic to work into a conversation, it tends to fall flat. Most of the time if someone (like a coworker) asks about my life I'll say "I'm a divorced mom of two, with a new partner and one of my kids has-special-needs." *

I don't know why I usually run the last bit together, I'm not ashamed of my child's issues or our tough but amazing journey. Most of the time it's just that I'm trying to make it easier on the listener. Most of the time it's hard for outsiders to know how to react to, understand and live with us.

"Your child doesn't LOOK special needs" is a commonly blurted reaction around my child - which is usually followed up with widened eyes and a hand quickly clamped over their mouth. You can just tell what they're thinking (my gawd did I say that?).

I almost always understand, blurting out a remark like that isn't an unusual reaction.

Sometimes it can be a thoughtless and prejudicial remark - but it's almost never intended that way. I think those who are surprised by special needs in a "normal' package ("normal" - that feels ugly to say) are coming from a place that is just devoid of information - not filled with judgments. They don't know how to react because they're on new and uncertain ground and so they react with the first thing that comes to mind - without thinking of the consequences.

Sometimes a thoughtless remark is compounded by further remarks "well it must be easier to live with THOSE needs than some poor child who's got ___ (pick your common misconception) because your child LOOKS just fine."

That's a hard one to react to with anything but a deep breath a sigh and a lot of patience.

Appearances have nothing to do with the reality, which is a reality that sometimes gets lost in the reaction.

There's no way of knowing how catastrophic a child's health issues are by appearance alone - I know children all over the SN spectrum and only a few of them have an appearance=severity correlation. That was one of the very first things we ever learned walking in to the Children's Hospital (back when I was on the "I work here" side, instead of the "I live here" side).

Don't judge a book - or a child - by their cover. Behind those perfect curls and lashes could be massive brain damage, behind the child with spasms and a twisted body is a genius IQ, that beautiful "perfect" baby is profoundly Deaf, that soccer star teen is dying of cancer.

I was just discussing the issue of SN children with a "normal" appearance with my family Doctor - she has an adult SN son. For a while her son worked in public helping customers - but he had to stop after being repeatedly hospitalized for anxiety. Customers behaved in often cruel and brutal ways to him - because he didn't "look like he had special needs" and they didn't adapt their behaviour or ramp up their compassion when dealing with him as a result. He simply could not tolerate their "normal" behaviour.

I find two things in that situation sad - that compassion is only switched on for "unfortunates" and that there is still a mistaken perception that special needs people must look like something "other" because they are "other"

We aren't other.

Why think about all this now? For a few reasons: an impending neuro MRI for my SN child and also because we've had guests recently and I've only now noticed their reactions to our family.

My SN child will be going in the the local kid's hospital on Wednesday for a neurological MRI and maybe a chat with the Neurosurgery clinic. We're regulars - aside from all the other issues as part of this syndrome there's also a catastrophic neurological problem that could cause life threatening issues with no warning.

These tests are pretty regular - and so far we've beat the odds. They're still stressful and frightening and this will be his first non-sedated test, so we're hoping to get him through it with a minimum of fear - and to beat the odds again.

The second reason I've been thinking about how our family looks to others grew out of my observations of some recent child guests in our house. They didn't do anything wrong - it's just that I saw our family through their eyes while they were visiting.

And it's different. I don't know how different, though, because to me "normal" is weird. I know we're different, but I have no idea what life is like on the other side.

My daughter's Barbie meets "the cute doctor named Ryan" while Barbie's daughter Stacie is in the ER. Both kids use inhalers at bedtime while being avidly watched by sleepover guests. I have a huge bottle of Pancrease next to my seat at the dinner table that dinner guests large and small ask about. Co-workers wonder why I get so out of breath all the time. I talk medical. One child wears a heart monitor to school for a month - which makes him a mini school celebrity (with the bonus hilarity when the monitor makes funny noises in assembly).

It's hard for outsiders to know how to react to, understand and live with us - I get that.

But I promise that if outsiders can accept that appearances have nothing to do with who we are inside - then we'll assume the same thing about them.

And we'll all come out of this better for it.

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* Some would say I have two kids with special needs - but our family doesn't really see Asthma/CF as an issue - it's our normal, it's just something we (the kids & I) have.

Career women make bad mothers

Last week in Britain the Outdoor Advertising Association (OAA) ran an outdoor advertising campaign designed by Britain’s Beta Agency. Emblazoned on the side of a bus: “Career women make bad mothers”

Hook... Er.

The advertising was part of the “Britainthinks” campaign. The supposed point of this particular campaign was to stimulate discussion among Brits in an online forum.

The problem is that stimulating discussion (or any response) with a mock offensive statement like "career women are bad mothers" is only part of a shock advertising campaign – it’s the “hook”, it captures your attention. The key component of the campaign is then the following “call to action” that you deliver after you’ve captured your audience’s attention.

Well, there was action - but not what they intended.

The concept of using offensive content - shock advertising - is not exactly new, and many industry professionals do not consider it effective enough to risk the down side:

“…sometimes an advertising agency goes too far – and risks damaging the reputation of the very brand it seeks to enrich. The agency succeeds in attracting attention, but undermines the very products it is trying to promote.”

“People are so sophisticated and they see through what an advertiser is trying to do – and they don't like being manipulated."

Call Me

It is surprising that this campaign did not have clear a call to action - there was a weak starburst with the phrase "Have your say" off to the side, like an afterthought.

That's a pretty odd choice from a company that makes advertising for a living. They supposedly know this stuff – they aren’t new to the industry or the concept of shock advertising. This wasn’t a simple typo or an inference they somehow missed.

But they didn't.

The result is that the Beta agency and the OAA left themselves and their “Britainthinks!” client looking like stodgy old jerks against equal rights for women. Not exactly a positive result for anyone except maybe the smoking jacket crowd (and probably not them, either).

Beta and the OAA have unfortunately also aligned themselves with the very vocal minority who will view this as yet another opportunity to dog pile on working moms as the root of all the evils of society (I’m looking at you, Ann Coulter). After all, an advertising agency said that "career women make bad mothers" – and if a big, strong, smart advertising agency said it –  why then, it must be true.

The Importance of Being Inquisitive

There was an understandable outcry against this campaign from moms and also those who somehow manage to believe that women are perfectly capable of working and parenting. The outcry was immediate, passionate and massive.

The OAA responded to the outcry in one of the communities that was very active and filled with discussion about their campaign (Mumsnet):

We regret any misunderstanding that led to feelings of offence on the part of members of the Mumsnet community.

The intention of the website is to generate debate by posing questions that are deemed to be socially relevant by members of society.

We did not intend to cause any offence and we would stress that the questions posed were not the opinions of the OAA or any of its members.

Regrettably the question relating to “career women” has caused offence and the OAA unreservedly apologises to anyone who has been offended. This was not our intention and, to ensure that this misunderstanding does not persist, instructions have been given to remove this poster.

Okay, they're sorry and they'll make it better by removing it. Good.

Oh. But wait - the statement is still an integral part of the “Britain Thinks” campaign site... and the bulletin boards are still up in a number of places (read the Mumsnet replies, they're filled with reports of posters up all over).

Did they forget?

Bill Wilson, operations director of OAA also responded:

“The point was that it was meant to be a question rather than a statement. The whole purpose of the thing was to encourage debate. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If we could do it again we would have made it more deliberately a question.”

More deliberately a question? Did we miss something?

Both quotes above stress how this advertisement was a question.

How, exactly, was it a question in any way?

“Career women make bad mothers” is not a question.

Gosh, it must be that the Beta Agency and the OAA is so woefully misunderstood by their audience. It certainly couldn’t be that they failed to communicate well and screwed up and should admit it, should they?

Frying Pan and Fire

Instead of putting on some big girl pants and taking some well-deserved lumps by responding to negative feedback with a global mea culpa Garry Lace from Beta then posted on their company blog a threat to sue the most popular online community that was filled with responses from mothers;

“At first we were not sure what to do. It had not been our intention to cause such offence, nor to attract such abuse. Our intention was to provoke discussion. We believed that both the poster and the content of the Britainthinks website reflected this. We accept we got this wrong.”

He denied that he was about to commence legal proceedings against Mumsnet despite admitting that he sent an e-mail to Justine Roberts, the website’s managing director, in which he threatened to “engage in a process to ensure ... that we are compensated for the hurt, corporate loss and reputational damage that we have suffered”.

Mr Lace said that he had relaxed his position since Mumsnet removed some of the more personal messages, but said: “If my people continue to be called f***ing tossers then I will take a point of view about it.”

Lovely. The message Gary is sending is that the public is not allowed to insult his “misunderstood” staff - but it is perfectly acceptable to insult working moms - because they were just asking a non-question to provoke discussion.

Really.

I wonder - would it be acceptable if we asked if his “people” are f***ing tossers?

Just trying to provoke a discussion.

End with Irony

After all the drama, Beta then offered up an alternative advertisment:

This "alternative" also begs the question; would that “all” that are "damaged" by sexism be:

the audience - who you also threatened with legal action for objecting to your rampant sexism?

or

the members of the Beta agency who got a whole lot of negative feedback - and many would argue deservedly so?

They make it far too easy.

Britainthinks? Really?

Not this time.

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Update: Transport Media has canceled their contract with the OAA:

“How this detrimental campaign could be given the green light in this day and age is utterly absurd. The decision made by the OAA to run with this campaign has caused so much offence to the men and women of Transport Media that after the many heated staff discussions the MD has made a clear firm stand and decided to pull away from the OAA and its logo. The campaign is not only irresponsible but can only be seen to have a negative impact on the world of outdoor advertising.”

Ouch.

I think it's pretty clear, this particular advertising campaign should have been left in Beta.

Knit Bits to Lust For

Knit Bits

Knit bits and other nifty items I've been lusting for lately:

I'm Kind Of  Knitting Superhero long-sleeve t-shirt (from Cafepress)

Because purling, colour work and frogging all sound kind of like exotic superhero-ish actions.

Plus, what knitter wouldn't want the tool belt that superheros carry around. That could be very handy for knitting accessories...

And knitting needles are totally a weapon of peace, justice and the fibre way.

 

Scarf ace long sleeved t-shirt (from CafePress)

The tag line: "Say hello to my needle, friend." I laughed out loud when I saw this shirt.

IMHO this is one of the most original knitting swag bits I've seen in a long time.

How can you not say this famous movie line out loud - and with the accent?

 

Mixed Martial Arts... and crafts t-shirt (from SnorgTees)

I thought the characters were cute.

"You don't get to start work on pottery until you are a black belt."

When do you get to start on crochet?

 

Thesaurus t-shirt (from SnorgTees)

"Meteor! Fireball! Comet! Asteroid! End of time! Falling star!"

This would be perfect for my little boy (a certified dinosaur nut and aspiring writer), but this shirt is not available in kid sizes.

I may have to be content with owning the Thesaurus t-shirt myself (women's sizes are available) and having it borrowed.

A lot... like my Gumby shirt that I've had since college (which was so long ago that the shirt practically dates back to the Jurassic era) which I haven't worn for the last two years because somebody is always wearing it as pajamas. (I don't really mind, I doubt I could get into it - I was an absolute stick back then and I'm not now).

Blog Finds This Week

Favourite fibre blog find this week: flowergirlknits
Favourite mommy blog find this week: Creative Mom Podcast I love this podcast. Great music, great topics and wonderful mixing. Highly recommended - especially for moms like me who use their commute for listening to a podcast or two or catching up on blogs.

Resolution: good bye celebrity moms!

I've neglected the blog for a couple weeks in favour of spending time with my family and friends. We had a wonderful Christmas and New Years and now we're all back at work, back to school and back to early bedtimes and the same old routine - well, the same old routine plus more snow, this is Canada.

I decided to make some resolutions again this year. Last year's resolution was simple: learn to knit. I never had a grandmotherly figure who taught me to knit, so I decided to pay for the privilege and buy myself a knitting book or two. Or twenty. The Klutz Press Book/Kit "Learn to Knit Six Great Projects" was my ticket to knitting, and it is aptly named and did a marvelous job of teaching me the art of two sticks and string. I did it, I taught myself how to knit.

In fact, I kind of went overboard. I love knitting though, and I feel inspired and creative and relaxed and productive. So, this year I'm determined to:

Learn to Crochet

• I'm starting with the Klutz Press "Learn to Crochet Six Great Projects" Book/Kit
• and the Complete Idiot's Guide to Crochet Projects (Illustrated)

I've also made a few additional resolutions this year. I'm a little worried that additional resolutions will increase my chance of not accomplishing anything - add to that the fun of already running at 150% (like most working moms) and we'll see what happens.

Sometimes having a full schedule means you get more done.

And sometimes it means you have a screw loose for looking for more to do.

I'm also hoping to:

Blog about books I'm reading

I resolve to blog about all the books I'm reading, especially great books like The Artist's Way a wonderful, life-changing book. I also resolve to...

 

Buy a house (!!)

We are going to buy a house - and this is a stunningly wonderful and new concept for me.

This will be the first house I've ever owned. Going from being a homeless single mom to a suburban home owner (God willing) in five years (a remarkable five years) has been an incredible experience that I'll have to write more about - soon. 

No More Celebrities

The last resolution is one that's been a year in the making. I've resolved to change the type and quality of blogs I read from now on. In short: no more celebrity mommy blogs.

I've had enough.

Nobody I know lives like the blogging celebrities, nobody I know even thinks like them. I realized about a month ago - if I wouldn't waste my time with those people in person, if I wouldn't invite them into my home - why was I wasting my time with them online?

 

• So I resolved - from now on I will stop reading the celebrity mommy blogs.  I resolve to build a lovely list of wonderful bloggers I enjoy - who may or may not be moms or dads - who are interesting, respect-worthy and easy to relate to.
  
  I will read bloggers who respond to their readers, who have budgets, money worries, kids that are sick, houses that aren't perfect, bloggers who work for a living and are proud of it, bloggers that are rich in family and joy - not money. I will read bloggers who talk about real, knotty, complicated issues like politics and adoption and custody and religion and special needs and social issues...
  I don't want to read about TV appearances. I like my own recipes and my own clothes - not theirs. I don't care what their workout is or if they have a bottom the size of a child's. Vanity is boring.
  
  I want to read about conscious, deliberate, smart, funny, genuine, touching and talented people who live lives that I recognize and share or who can help me learn, who can teach through wisdom, experience and knowledge.
  
  I might not change the world with this resolution - but it will make a huge improvement in my life - and maybe it'll change someone else's life, too. I resolve to stop wasting my time being one of the many ignored and meaningless celebrity blogger "fans" and spend my time with someone who could very well become a real friend, a new friend, someone I respect, enjoy and relate to.
  
  And that's the best resolution of all.