Momartfully

Resolution: good bye celebrity moms!

I've neglected the blog for a couple weeks in favour of spending time with my family and friends. We had a wonderful Christmas and New Years and now we're all back at work, back to school and back to early bedtimes and the same old routine - well, the same old routine plus more snow, this is Canada.

I decided to make some resolutions again this year. Last year's resolution was simple: learn to knit. I never had a grandmotherly figure who taught me to knit, so I decided to pay for the privilege and buy myself a knitting book or two. Or twenty. The Klutz Press Book/Kit "Learn to Knit Six Great Projects" was my ticket to knitting, and it is aptly named and did a marvelous job of teaching me the art of two sticks and string. I did it, I taught myself how to knit.

In fact, I kind of went overboard. I love knitting though, and I feel inspired and creative and relaxed and productive. So, this year I'm determined to:

Learn to Crochet

• I'm starting with the Klutz Press "Learn to Crochet Six Great Projects" Book/Kit
• and the Complete Idiot's Guide to Crochet Projects (Illustrated)

I've also made a few additional resolutions this year. I'm a little worried that additional resolutions will increase my chance of not accomplishing anything - add to that the fun of already running at 150% (like most working moms) and we'll see what happens.

Sometimes having a full schedule means you get more done.

And sometimes it means you have a screw loose for looking for more to do.

I'm also hoping to:

Blog about books I'm reading

I resolve to blog about all the books I'm reading, especially great books like The Artist's Way a wonderful, life-changing book. I also resolve to...

Buy a house (!!)

We are going to buy a house - and this is a stunningly wonderful and new concept for me.

This will be the first house I've ever owned. Going from being a homeless single mom to a suburban home owner (God willing) in five years (a remarkable five years) has been an incredible experience that I'll have to write more about - soon. 

No More Celebrities

The last resolution is one that's been a year in the making. I've resolved to change the type and quality of blogs I read from now on. In short: no more celebrity mommy blogs.

I've had enough.

Nobody I know lives like the blogging celebrities, nobody I know even thinks like them. I realized about a month ago - if I wouldn't waste my time with those people in person, if I wouldn't invite them into my home - why was I wasting my time with them online?

• So I resolved - from now on I will stop reading the celebrity mommy blogs.  I resolve to build a lovely list of wonderful bloggers I enjoy - who may or may not be moms or dads - who are interesting, respect-worthy and easy to relate to.
  
  I will read bloggers who respond to their readers, who have budgets, money worries, kids that are sick, houses that aren't perfect, bloggers who work for a living and are proud of it, bloggers that are rich in family and joy - not money. I will read bloggers who talk about real, knotty, complicated issues like politics and adoption and custody and religion and special needs and social issues...
  I don't want to read about TV appearances. I like my own recipes and my own clothes - not theirs. I don't care what their workout is or if they have a bottom the size of a child's. Vanity is boring.
  
  I want to read about conscious, deliberate, smart, funny, genuine, touching and talented people who live lives that I recognize and share or who can help me learn, who can teach through wisdom, experience and knowledge.
  
  I might not change the world with this resolution - but it will make a huge improvement in my life - and maybe it'll change someone else's life, too. I resolve to stop wasting my time being one of the many ignored and meaningless celebrity blogger "fans" and spend my time with someone who could very well become a real friend, a new friend, someone I respect, enjoy and relate to.
  
  And that's the best resolution of all.

Away in a Manger

This year's Nativity Play was a hilarious, filled with adorable miniature shepherds and angels in their bathrobes.

My littlest was thrilled to be playing Mary. The best part of the play was when "Mary" gently lifted up the wee baby Jesus doll from behind the manger... then grabbed him by the legs and THWACKED the doll into the hay-filled manger.

*thunk*

The audience giggled.

Then "Mary" took the "donkey" hobby-horse she rode in to Bethlehem on and laid it on top of baby Jesus - just for good measure.

The audience roared.

Happy birthday baby Jesus!

The Price

On the weekend we had a visitation scheduled with the kids' biological dad. We arranged to meet at a local restaurant where the kids sat with him and M and I sat at a table on the other side.

As the visit was ending their biological dad asked the kids to tell M and I about a visitor they had. Evidently the kids were behaving so well that a man at a neighboring table decided to reward their nice manners. He came over, commented on the kids being "so polite" and handed their biological father $20.

Sounds great, right? Well behaved kids at Christmas? Score!

The ex continued with the story and made an absolute point of telling M and I that HE was paid money for the behaviour of the kids - HE was recognized and paid off. For. The. Kids. All HIM.

He quite happily said that when he spoke to their visitor he took credit for the behaviour of the kids. Then he pocketed the $20.

He didn't even consider letting the kids have the money. Which isn't that big a deal except... why wouldn't you offer to let the kids have it or spend it near Christmas? Ask if they wanted to buy presents - or if they had something they wanted?

Wouldn't that be what the visitor intended?

The kids had it all figured out before we even got to the car. My oldest was disgusted and disappointed, the youngest was confused. The kids know that they live with Mommy and M. Their Dad is M - he's with them every day of their lives. They hardly ever see their biological father - and I think they expected him to act accordingly.

I didn't really comment on the whole episode - it's up to the kids to decide how they feel about their biological father. I don't need to say a thing.

It mostly made me sad.

He may have gained 20 whole dollars from a stranger - but he lost something much more precious that day.

A Fish That Has Ceased To Be

Yesterday one of our family pets passed away.

"Admiral Bubbles" - who I'm told was a girl fish (a girl and an Admiral! Marlo Thomas would be SO proud of my mad feminist mothering skillz with my equal opportunity kiddos). Evidently playing Free to Be You and Me in the minivan over and over again has made a difference.

So anyway - the Admiral has passed on after a long and much - er - decorated career as a fish. Literally decorated - that fish tank was very pretty, stickers, coloured pebbles, shells, a shark decoration that declared "bite me" and even a cloth fish painstakingly cut out of a remnant of material and taped to the lid "so she could see another fish and wouldn't be lonely".

Interestingly, we didn't have a fishy funeral. I always thought that a fish funeral or two would be an expected part of this parenting gig. I could picture the whole family clustered awkwardly around the toilet bowl while a tearful child delivers a eulogy to a beloved former pet (adorable video) and then a burial at sea. It seemed like a universal rite of passage.

In reality the burial at sea was performed by M while the kids were at school. M offered a funeral service to my bereaved son, but the response was that he "didn't want to be there for that."

Wii, Wii, oui... all the way home

My parents were in town visiting last week for a couple days to run some errands in the city and then head back into the wilderness before the next big snowfall. I came home late last Monday after a very busy day and a very frosty walk from the bus. I knew my kids were snug at home, hanging out with Gramma after school and maybe indulging in a wholesome craft activity or baking cookies.

Riiight.

I opened the front door and was immediately run down by two very, very excited kids.

"Look Mom, LOOK! Look what Gramma got us! MommommommomMOMmomMOMMOMMOM... SO cool. So COOL. Mom LOOK!"

I peeled off my coat and scarf. "What? What is it?"

(thinking please dear God don't let it be a puppy!)

"See? Isn't it COOL?" My son held up a white remote control and pointed it at the TV.

Wait. A white remote?

Oh. My. God. My mom got the family a Wii for Christmas.

On a school night.

-----

A couple hours later it was declared that my mom got ME the Wii for Christmas - because the kids wouldn't stop fighting about who the Wii belonged to and who got to go first or got the remote first and who got to play longer or better or which game they played... or...

Sigh. Does the Wii serve Martiniis?

Suckeyed

On Saturday I'm returning to the Optometrist for further tests on my left eye after tests a couple weeks ago had some weird results. I'll also be picking up new glasses - my prescription needed a major update.

My left eye has always been my weakest eye and lately it's been bothering me (focus issues and headaches).

So I found it particularly funny that I was contemplating my upcoming eye exam while surfing and commenting on blogs... and this is the word verification phrase that came up.

"Suckeyed";

Proof positive that God has a sense of humour.

Mommyblogs are like reality TV

I confess - I don't watch TV much anymore. Well, aside from some inadvertent Treehouse TV (Canadian preschool channel) or the odd Star Trek rerun.

I really stopped watching TV years ago when the networks were forced to create a pile of shows that weren't dependent on traditional writers. The networks decided to place bikini-clad drama-addicted wannabe spokesmodels in front of TV crews in remote locations and told them to writhe and cry on cue for the camera crew. It seems they felt their experiences would "represent" what isolation, starvation and pain were really like. They called it "entertainment". They called it reality TV.

It was... nothing like the reality. It still isn't.

I could only stand to watch one episode of "reality" TV. The suspension of disbelief was too much for me - I couldn't get past the fact that the spokesmodels were performing for what I knew was a very comfortable and well equipped TV crew on site - with craft services, honey wagons, dressing rooms, microphones, generator trucks, Key Grips, Best Boys and overpaid Teamsters.

It wasn't real - it wasn't even believable - but it sold, it sold like crazy, and it was cheap - and audiences loved it. The drama, the gossip, the cruelty and pain - the audiences loved it all because it was entertaining and constantly fresh - and deep down they knew it wasn't real.

Real starvation, real deprivation, real illness doesn't sell like "reality" TV does. Watching pretty people cry for money doesn't make us uncomfortable. Documentaries are about real pain - and so documentaries are rarely commercially sucessful because real pain is hard to watch and it hurts us - and most importantly it makes us angry or motivates us to make a change.

That's what many documentaries want to do - they don't just entertain - they want to share, build a community, make a change. What's real motivates documentarians to do something, to learn and grow - to challenge preconceptions and be brave enough to find out errors. It is hard - incredibly hard - it is anything but passive - but it has integrity because it's real.

That's a huge the appeal of "reality" TV - we can walk away from the drama of "reality" TV and gossip about it, speculate about outcomes, complain or admire - but we don't feel the need to do anything personally. We aren't outraged or threatened or introspective - It's not about us - it's not real - it's entertainment. We know in the end that the mock-suffering of the pretties will be rewarded with a seat next to Barbara Walters.

I was comfortable with the decision to skip out on what TV had become, and I moved on to content online. For a while my documentary loving soul found a huge amount of amazing real content in blogs - filled with integrity and genuine voices. Then blogging started to change - blogging for profit hit the mommyverse - and suddenly there were "celebrities" and "fans", conventions, endorsements and compensated reviews. Discussion was no longer wanted and dissenting opinions were punished. Profit was king and content was demoted to serving wench.

I realized this change was remarkably similar to what the TV industry went through a few years prior. Suddenly blogging - mommyblogging especially - was no longer about genuine experiences, unique points of view, creating a community, discussion of issues or growth.

The real voices were mocked by the simulated reality, pretend pain and commercialized angst that celebrity bloggers engaged in for profit. We were entertained - but we should have been angry.

The consequence of all this simulated "reality" is that the issues - the real issues - have been shunted aside in the name of profit and entertainment. It has became more fashionable and popular to participate in ridiculous polarizations on TV - like on Dr. Phil's divisive mommy debate - or Momversation's insulting segment on working moms. TV producers no longer research issues to pitch - they run to Google to find a "celebrity". Who cares if they know anything about the subject? Celebrity has replaced authority. Celebrity is the new authority.

As long as you're famous your opinion - about anything - matters. It shouldn't.

We shouldn't tolerate it when celebrities are encouraged and rewarded for speaking on an issue they have no experience with. Speaking on our issues. We should be furious that our realities are being cheapened and mocked for profit. We should all be furious that our voices are being silenced and discounted - we are not what they'd like to pretend we are, and it's about time they found out. We don't need a celebrity or a spokesmodel simulating our lives, our challenges and our pain for their profit. Our realities deserve respect, a genuine voice and integrity.

We all deserve more real in our "reality".

Hourly Photo Project

Today was the "Hourly Photo Project" (see Andrea's blog entry for more details and a list of participants).

The assignment was to take one photo each hour of our day. I took the extra challenge and tried for no retakes - and didn't completely succeed - there were a couple unsteady shots I re-took. My day went fast - but it's wasn't literally a blur.

I took the photos with my camera phone and whatever environmental lighting there was for each event. Here's what my day looked like (or rather, what my day  was looking at)...

6 a.m.

On my way to catch the bus to work. The sun isn't even up yet, and the roads are pretty deserted.

7 a.m.

Knitting on the bus. I'm working on a ruffle scarf for my daughter - with yarn she picked out Click "Verve 110" and Shetland's Classic Wool in "Rich Red Tweed". I'm knitting with a 8mm bamboo circular needle - much easier to use on the bus during the rush hour squeeze than long straight needles. After all, I might poke someone - completely by accident. Of course. ;-)

8 a.m.

Already at the office, getting a start on my day and surveying my cubicle "flair";

• the pink pom-pom creature by my monitor is a "Warm Fuzzy" gift from one of my kids, made in Kindergarten class
• jewel case pumpkin calendar - a department project/perk. It's a major accomplishment that it's on the correct month today, usually it takes me a few days to change over
• my stand-up Swingline stapler - sadly in blue not iconic red.
• Various incarnations of sticky notes, because you can never have too many sticky notes

9 a.m.

I'm on my way to a meeting, and I stopped to peer over the handrail at the atrium in the center of the building. Allll the way down...

10 a.m.

Coffee break time - paid for, not free - because I don't look like my pet.

11 a.m.

In a meeting with a colleague, who was wearing these cute sandals. I'm wearing boots - I've already surrendered to Fall.

12 noon

Time to head out for some lunch. And some colour... any colour...

1 p.m.

Drinking yet more coffee (in an environmentally un-friendly cup) and feeling a little Twitchy now.

2 p.m.

Still working. Move along. Nothing much to see here, folks.

3 p.m.

My Veer "Excuses and Alibis and Reasons Why" spiral-bound cubicle swag. There's a bunch of photos with captions explaining why I'm not in my cubicle. The caption for this "Where Am I?" photo: "Daycare called. Another 'Incident'".

4 p.m.

Heading home from work, through the trees, looking at the stained glass bridge up above the sidewalk.

5 p.m.

Driving home in the car with M, we made a quick stop to drop off a very sexy stage light for a client of M's. M loves LED stage lights. If M had his way this is what our house would look like every Christmas.

6 p.m.

We took the kids to Red Lobster as a treat.

The kids enjoyed ripping various sea creatures to pieces. It was a quick (and tasty) demise.

7 p.m.

Bathtime. With Captain Rex, of course.

8 p.m.

Bedtime for both kiddos.

9 p.m.

A London Fog (Earl Grey & Lavender black tea, vanilla syrup & steamed milk) for mom while the kids settle down for the night... and maybe a little more knitting.

10 p.m.

Catching up on some great new media content; Did You Know 4.0  I enjoyed the video and I think I'll be using it at work (like many other great instructional videos) - even if I was momentarily Rick Roll'd.

11 p.m.

I'm in my pajamas and my bathrobe. Night everyone!

Mom's Night Out

Mom's Night out...

Drinking Bellini Slurpees with my friend M (and her gorgeous embroidered suede jacket) and enjoying dinner while being spoiled by a flamboyant waiter.

Then we were off to a lecture by artist Judy Chicago.

Her drink had a beautiful pink mermaid in it and mine had sickly green a giraffe. Art imitates life. LOL!

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Evidently the "Opt Out Revolution" is over: Recession Drives Women Back to the Work Force

To be honest I never really saw or felt that there was a huge "Opt Out Revolution" in the world around me. In my world the majority of moms are working moms.

I rarely saw the other side of the "Opt Out Revolution" - called "On Ramping" - widely discussed. It was almost as if in the era of "Opt Out Mommies" that re-entering the workforce was widely assumed to be easy, requiring little effort, completed very quickly and with little planning.

Riiight.

The reality I saw was that Moms re-entering the workforce all around me were having an absolutely hideous time. They couldn't find decent and affordable childcare, they were trying to figure out how to squeeze a career in between morning drop off and noon pick up. Moms all around me were facing work realities they had no idea existed.

Even worse - they were also being played - everywhere they looked there were plenty of bloggers and advertisers pushing the idea that moms could "work from home" and enjoy a huge income. It turned out that the "work from home" evangelists were either exceedingly rare pro-bloggers who ignored anyone who wasn't also working as an exceedingly rare pro-blogger - or they were salespeople selling some work-at-home "solution". Both groups often ignored the fact that a huge portion of women dominated careers are in industries that can't be delivered from home or with a toddler or two hovering in the background - like nursing or teaching. To hear some moms talk working from home was the new working mom paradigm - nobody did that silly, frantic working mom commute, daycare thing any more. 

Except that isn't true.

The reality around here - the only moms I know of who ended up with a decent income and the opportunity to sometimes work from home are myself, my co-worker and one other mom. None of us were working as the newest "miracle career" and working from home was only a portion of our work time. There were still some basic working realities for those of us who could sometimes work from home, our employers still demanded plenty of on site "face time" and telecommuting was a privilege that we had to demand from our employers and earn through a combination of seniority and a history of above average output for years in our careers. Teleworking was not an option for any mom we knew who was just returning to work after years of "Opting Out".

So much for the "new" paradigm of working from home for the vast majority of moms.

A lot of the "On Ramp" moms around me found that while they were "Opting Out" there was also a series of wholesale revolutions in the workplace - and they were expected to already have a working knowledge of those changes and to have their own coping mechanisms in place as soon as they returned;

• Layoffs and trimming (like in every recession cycle) created philosophical and technological revolutions across entire corporations
• transparency and privacy law changes that have swept across many organizations and changed everything, from reports to file storage, resource usage...
• technologies and procedures in areas like Nursing completely changed in a short span of a few years
• most Microsoft "houses" (and most businesses are) have rolled out - or will be rolling out huge technological changes like SharePoint and other software upgrades and changes - and employers aren't going to provide training for those returning to work. Either you know it, or you don't.
• we're in a recession - in a time of job and expense cuts, not expansion. New employees face even harsher competition among applicants than ever before - and any weaknesses in your resume could cost you the chance for even an interview - let alone the job

There's another reality that isn't widely discussed among moms - unless you have spent a lot of time with single, divorced or otherwise sadder but wiser girls;

It turns out that "Opting Out" has a proven financial and professional penalty built in:

"Studies have found that for every two years a woman is out of the labor force, her earnings fall by 10 percent, a penalty that lasts throughout her career." (NY Times) 

While the emotional benefits of "Opting Out" can sometimes make a compelling argument for many emotionally vunerable moms - the financial and professional and personal realities of "Opting Out" should never be ignored or minimized for any woman. It's a gigantic disservice to moms to completely ignore the realities of financial health and instead emphasize and concentrate on a short period of emotional gain.

I still remember sitting in a room filled with newly single divorcing women discussing their new financial realities. Most of them were returning to work after a significant "Opt Out" time period when they relied on their soon-to-be ex-husband's income - they were universally devastated by the financial realities that their choices and now their divorces forced on them.

They couldn't go back to work in previous careers - because exiting the workforce put them on the sidelines professionally - the work world had moved on without them. Missing years in the workforce had a huge, punitive impact on the lives of those women, and nobody told them it could happen. Nobody told them that the emotional benefit of exiting the workforce to stay at home with their kids would harm their careers. The entire group thought they could take turns at both working and mothering without any penalty. Many of the group members expressed that they wouldn't have made the same choices if they just knew what would happen, that there was a 50/50 chance of this happening to any woman - many said they felt cheated - the wished they had never "Opted Out".

The sadder but wiser girl, indeed.

My Son's Value Is Beyond His Price

As a Canadian I believe health care is a basic human right. Period.

I believe that ALL humans have the RIGHT to have access to health services regardless of their gender, religion, race, sexuality, nationality or income level. Preexisting or new, chronic or acute, systemic or isolated issues, inexpensive and straight-forward or complex and expensive... it doesn't matter. It is humane to heal the sick, it is decent to tend to those who are wounded, it a basic and universal.

To be human is to care for those in need.
 
It is simply part of being Canadian to share the cost of caring for all - and despite what you may hear - it works.

I watched US newscasts last night to try to understand the health-care debate - and I was profoundly shocked to hear that some Americans do NOT believe that health care is a basic human right.

Health care is NOT a basic human right.
 
That is a jaw-dropping and astonishing concept for a Canadian. In Canada it IS a right.

I have a medically complicated special needs child. He has a congenital syndrome, he was born that way - different from the time he was a Zygote due to a series of changes in his very DNA. He had multiple birth defects (most are surgically corrected) and systemic issues (brain damage, a profound hearing impairment, Epilepsy, and much more). He was also premature and required a number of surgeries - and will need more.

If I lived in the US not only would I have been bankrupted by the costs  of providing for my son's rocky start in life - but both my children may have never been born at all. I would have felt that I REQUIRED extensive prenatal testing - not for any known preexisting condition - but because I would feel that I could NOT give birth to a sick child that would not have it's medical needs met. I would know that anything BUT a healthy child would be catastrophic.

My entire family's future could be destroyed, our house could be taken away, any other children traumatized and everyone's futures ruined - just because a child wasn't genetically perfect. My son has immeasurable value as a person - and while he had a complicated and shaky start in life he is now a sunny, brilliant child filled with promise. He overcame his neurological problems and now hears and walks and tests in the gifted range.  Nobody predicted his amazing progress and he continues to push forward against the odds.

He will do amazing things for our world.

In the US my son would probably never would have been born - because it would have cost too much.

In Canada my son's value has been - and always will be - far beyond his price.

recommended reading: 

• PhD in Parening: "Public Health Care: Canadian Perspectives on Myths and Reality"
• book discussing expecting a child with genetic issues: "Choosing Naia" (Amazon)

What Will Your Kids Be (this week, anyway) & 3 Scarves

Based on your kid's interests lately, what would you say they would grow up to be?

My darling, dainty, Tinkerbell loving, pink-and-glitter-on-everything little girl wants to drive a big rig.

This week, anyway.

Our day home caregiver's husband is a long-haul truck driver. A couple weeks ago the caregiver's husband and grown son took the bigger kids to go visit his BIG truck.

She was HOOKED. Smitten. Clutching the steering wheel, chattering on the radio and waving out the window.

However that dashboard may be a wee bit of a problem - she probably should be able to see the road.

She even asked - I'm so not kidding - if I had any "tattoos" in the house. She wanted a tattoo - the wet transfer kind. I explained to her that real tattoos are made with needles and hurt. She didn't seem deterred.

Thankfully Miami Ink isn't on Treehouse TV.

My son normally states he wants to be an author. A children's author, a graphic novelist or "something like Percy Jackson" - as long as he's writing, he's happy.

But lately he's been all about trees.

He scaled every tree in my parent's commercial orchard this summer - and that's a LOT of trees.

He's building a treehouse in our back yard - by himself.

He spends almost all his time in the back yard hanging out in the trees, thinking, talking to friends and figuring out how to fasten the tree house to the tree without nails, "The nails hurt the tree, mom."

He's also perfecting his climbing skills by clinging to the door trim and climbing up the walls - or climbing up opposing walls in the hallway.

Peter Parker (Spiderman) was a writer, wasn't he?

Three Scarves

On the knitting front - I've been cranking out a lot of scarves this week. I knit when I'm stressed, and since I've resigned my current job and accepted another job offer - I'm just a wee bit stressed. It's change - and I'm not good with change - it's a good change, but still. Stress.

So, I'm knitting.

I'm going to be giving out a lot of scarves for Christmas. 

Finished this a "slubby" hand-dyed merino wool scarf in orange

...and this a gorgeous pure viscose moss stitch scarf in teal

...and this dollar store find! Grey mix slubby acrylic yarn

Now I'm working on another dollar store find scarf - a pink 2 strand (eyelash and chenille) yarn that will be combined with a pink organic cotton yarn (how's for a combination LOL). I'm also working on a purple kettle dyed merino wool scarf (it's sooo soft), some cotton dishcloths (always!) and thinking about tackling the goat yarn (that I first mentioned here).

I hope it'll be a cold winter.

Single Moms - Web Outcasts

I'm frustrated by the lack of voice that single parents still have in online content. I half-jokingly remarked to a friend (also a web geek and also a single mom) that we single parents seem like web outcasts. We live outside of the "normal" communities. We have our own little enclaves of content, but we are not part of most of the large communities.

It's not as if we aren't out there - and contributing some great content: Single Mom Seeking, Dad's House, Single Mom Says (check out the Singlemommyhood.com list for more).

So why hasn't our voice been heard? Why are we regarded as an invisible minority?

I think it's due to a few factors. One of them is misconceptions about single parents - who they are, what they are, and how many there are:

• only 24% of all households (US) are a married couple with children
• 45.8% of (US) marriages end in divorce
• single mothers are not just teenage mothers:
  
  • teenage mothers are only 11% of births (US)
  • almost half of all single mothers (US) are divorced single moms (3.392 million)
  • 33% percent of single parents have never been married
• 11.2% of ALL (US) households are currently single parent households
  
  • 27.7% of households with children are single parent households
• almost 30% of all US parenting content goes to single parent households

• 37% of (Canadian) marriages end in divorce
  
• 31% of all family households* (Canada) are not married:
  • 15.5% of family households (Canada) are common law families
  • 15.9% of family households (Canada) are single parents:
    
    • 12.8% are single moms & 1.3% are single dads
• 31% of all Canadian parenting content goes to single parent households

In short: ONE THIRD of the US/Canadian parenting content consumers are single parent households.

Also worthy of note: Canada has a much higher single parenting rate than the US - in part because common law households and married same sex couples are more common (and legal) here in Canada.

Canadian crime rates are lower than US crime rates - and we have more single parent households (per capita) than the US.

There goes Ann Coulter's theory that single parent households cause crime:

osolomama also does a great job of taking Ann Coulter apart and pointing out that  correlation does not equal causality

This means that based on population numbers - every "parenting" panel, every "mommy" group of contributors and group of "parenting" content award winners should have more single parents. For every 10 married mom bloggers out there there we should also see at least three single mom bloggers and at least one single dad blogger as well.

Popular single mom bloggers and single mom community leaders are often regarded as "unusual" - while single dad bloggers and community leaders are as rare as hen's teeth. The online market is saturated with married blogging moms. Unfortunately many content providers and marketers view married blogging moms as representative all parenting issues and priorities.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

What's even worse is when a commercial community desperately attempts to market to the single parent demographic and they do a horrendous job of it. Like when Momversation deliberately chose to ask their panel members to represent an issue they don't even have; being "a stressed working mom" or when they tried to bring in a single mom audience with the inflammatory and prejudicial question "can married moms and single moms be friends?". Or how Blogher chooses to not have ANY single parent content or an editor for single parent content.

Imagine if someone tried to speak "for" another race or speak "for" another gender? Speaking "for" a group implies they can't speak for themselves, that they don't have a voice, are incapable of understanding their own issues, or that some other voice has more "authority".

I can't list how many times I've heard married moms compare themselves to single moms (or working moms) and outright stating what single (or working) mom issues must be because they think so.

They don't ask what our issues are - they tell us.

One third of the market continues to be under-represented or to have our view presented "for" us - and the massive single parent audience is left with web content that is largely irrelevant, unappealing, useless, misleading, inaccurate and sometimes even insulting.

The single parent population reality is not reflected in other ways, too. Recently I sent out a Tweet asking if any single parents have attended or will attend Blogher.

It turns out there are just a handful of single mother attendees at events as huge as Blogher (a search on Blogher of their attendants with the tag "single mom" yields three names for the 2009 event). Although some single moms responded to my Tweet and expressed interest in going to Blogher 2010 - they all specified they would only attend if other single moms went too.

Why? Why don't we feel welcome? Why do we need to have other single moms with us? Why aren't we attending large events like this?

I suspect their reasons are the same as mine:

• expense: Airfare, hotel costs and conference costs ad up to thousands of dollars - which narrows the attendees down to the wealthy or the sponsored - with the sponsored attendees almost universally married blogging SAHMs. Unfortunately sifting attendees through a financial sieve ensures that the conference will not be representative of the parenting reality.
• childcare: events like Blogher often have no provision for childcare - which seems bizarre when considering their huge "mommy-blogging" audience and when compared to other conferences with whole supervised streams of content for conference kids. I'm guessing a "BlogHerKid" component would be a huge success and good-will gesture.
  (Especially if one third of spots were reserved for single parents, which I doubt they'd do)
• exclusion: there is no content that is relevant, there are no groups of single moms attending, no parties for single moms, no recognition of single mothers as a valuable and large demographic, no topics that apply to single moms. Single moms have no reason to go
• no understanding: despite a few attempts to reach out to single parents the vast majority of parenting communities do not understand our issues and do not understand our community

Why would commercial web communities exclude single parents? Is it a deliberate choice or an unconscious choice? Single parents recognize that we're being excluded (unconsciously or otherwise) and we want to change it.

So we need to know why - and change what online communities know about single parents:

• publishers of online content are genuinely unaware of how large the single parent audience really is - and that the single parent demographic is growing much faster than the married parent demographic (we are one third of the market and growing - fast!)
• leisure time, lack of appeal or inclusion:
  
  • working and parenting alone leaves single parents with much less leisure time than other parenting families for publishing content and participating in online communities
  • single parents publish much less quantity content - but often publish higher quality content. Quantity of online publishers should be minimized and quality should be emphasized.
  • do not speak for us - invite us to speak instead
• the image of the single parent - false perception that single parents are poor, uneducated, unemployed and inactive on line
  
• broken homes nonsense: the mistaken belief that single parent households are a sad and broken - a real "downer" for their audience. Single parents are often empowered and positive images out there - LOTS of us have IMPROVED our situations by becoming single parents, including higher income levels
  
• our discretionary spending power - the mistaken belief that single parents are raising only one child and that we do not have discretionary spending budgets. We often have entire households we maintain, more than one child - and the budgets to go with it.
• age range - single parents are NOT only (or even mostly) teen mothers
  
• fear of single parents as a negative "moral" influence - when many single parents are single parents because of their moral choices or beliefs

What do you think?

* Stats Canada counts households differently than the U.S. Census Bureau
Sources: U.S. Census Bureau, National Center for Health Statistics, Stats Canada

Golden Eggs and Haystacks

I get the whole "blogging with integrity" concept and the current debate in various mommyblogging communities. I agree, something's got to give.

After returning to the blogging world after my divorce hiatus I surfed around the mommy blogosphere. I was shocked - and disappointed - by the wholesale change in blogging - the lack of community and exchange, the blatant commercialization, and the lack of content.

I can completely respect that some want to make a living off of blogging or supplement their main source of income. It's the approach that's all wrong. I don't know why PR professionals would be approaching online marketing in this way (direct endorsements, spamming online communities, hijacking content that captured the audience in the first place).

Evidently young PR workers (so! old!) did not listen very well to the story of the goose that laid the golden egg.

Stop eating the geese, people. You're destroying quality content and driving away your audience.

Build a nice goose nest with lots of good quality twigs and feathers for the nice geese and do what you can to make the geese happy to stick around - and the eggs will show up.

Remember banner ads?

At first we advertisers (yes, I was on the dark side) were golden. We tried plastering advertising all over content to "capture eyeballs" and to drive up click-through rates. Only overzealous and intrusive banner advertising didn't work very well - and our advertising was standing in the way of communication and our communities - not supporting them. And we got roasted for it.

We strangled the content that was drawing our audience. We also greatly annoyed the audience with the intrusiveness of many banner ads - which lead to damage to our image. It just wasn't worth the dismal sales generated.

The best advertising either contributes something useful or entertaining or is supportive and unobtrusive to the content. Build a community or a discussion and support it with advertising. Web professionals have known for a decade now that eye blistering online advertising banners don't work well and that spam is professional suicide.

Just last night I un-followed some Twitter accounts because they spammed their followers for a large portion of the evening. There is no other word for it. Dozens and dozens of tweets with the same "#topic" in a very small period of time. A whole group of participants were voluntarily acting like Twitter bots - pushing out quantity instead of quality.

For the sake of a cheap freebie.

Be the needle - not the haystack. Nobody cares about the hay.

Here's my proposal (if there's a PR person out there listening). Take the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) television broadcasts as an example - they push out high quality content that has a variety of niche markets. Their content is not dictated by the sponsor. They have an established audience because of the value of their content and the freedom they have with their "voice". Their reputation for great content is golden. They do NOT let advertising interfere with the content or dictate the content - advertising is supportive and visible, but does not block or frustrate the audience. 

And it works.

Imagine the mommyblogging universe with this approach - micro-communities all over with authoritative, respected, independent, creative, quality, distinctive voices. Two way discussions. Niche markets with deep topic exploration and outstanding product and market feedback. Attractive design instead of fifty ka-gillion competing/flashing ads.

It's not that hard, or even new. It's golden eggs and haystacks.

(image from Getty Images)

Mom-centric Keywords for the Top 5% Twitter Users

This analysis is fascinating, an extensive breakdown of the characteristics of the top 5% of Twitter Users.

In my opinion, one of the most striking things in this report was the keyword "cloud" - most importantly the keywords in the cloud. I found many of the keywords to be female-centric, related to motherhood and/or related to careers that are heavily pursued by mothers looking for a work-at-home career (like graphic design, web design, and internet technologies).

I've highlighted the women/mom-centric phrases below:

the keywords/phrases:

• husband, father, husband and father, stay at home, wife, mom, love my family,
• web designer, internet marketing, graphic designer, graphic design, web design, web developer

Some of the phrases in the last set are to be expected from early adopters... but I found the first set of keywords very interesting. Essentially the most active Twitter users are moms.

Which is huge in it's implications for both marketers targeting moms... and for the web-savvy moms out there.

How to wrap (not Rap) like Martha

I am the first person to admit that I am not domestic. I am, however, unnaturally fond of wrapping gifts in creative ways - which I believe is something that Martha Stewart has done, on occasion. ;-) 

The daughter of my darling friend Trish (@designfiend) is getting married next weekend. I keep insisting that @designfiend must have had her babies when she was a practically a baby herself. This is mainly due to the fact that I am in deep denial that my friends and I are of a certain age and approaching a time when we could technically be grandmothers. I just HAD my kids. We are not old. Spring chicks.

Maybe if I keep saying it enough it will be true.

So @designfiend's gorgeous daughter bravely invited not only M and I to her wedding, but my darling children, too. 

While shopping for itty bitty little girl formal dresses I found a gorgeous purple satin-and-tulle number (only $40!) for my little girl. My daughter is of the age when her design ideas center around anything resembling a ballerina's performance wardrobe; tutus, tiaras and tulle.

I also found an adorable satin evening purse for my daughter at a dollar store - not that I normally shop at dollar stores for evening wear, but it was a cheap opportunity I couldn't refuse.

My little girl is just thrilled with her outfit - so thrilled she has to be physically restrained from wearing it every day.

Shopping for diminutive suits is also a lot of fun. My little boy has insisted that he does NOT want a tuxedo (he wore one for a wedding two years ago, charming everyone, but evidently he found it a traumatic experience).

"I want to look like James Bond" he insisted - but with a bow tie. The tie pictured will not do - he really wants a bow tie.

So M and I are off this afternoon to scour the city for a little boy size bow tie.

I'm not sure where my son's preference for a bow tie came from, but couple that with his chess skills... and genetic predisposition toward glasses... and I think I may need to sign him up for karate lessons. Soon.

While shopping for our togs is fun, my favourite part of preparing to be a wedding guest is wrapping the gifts.

Our gifts for this bride have had a very domestic theme - for her bridal shower we gave her a big basket filled with towels, bathroom accessories and some facecloths I knitted.

The wedding gift is also some textiles and accessories - as well as a gift card.

---

How to wrap (not Rap) like Martha

Materials:

• 1 heavy, large circumference vase
• 6 long-handled wooden spoons
• more long-handled utensils (if desired)
• 4 tea towels in "flower" colour
• 4 pillow cases in "flower" colour
• 2 pillow cases in "leaves" colour
• 1 roll of basket wrap
• tissue paper
• ribbon
• scissors
• card spike (from florist)
• gift card

Line the vase with one of the "leaf" colour pillow cases.

Leave at least two corners of the pillow case draped over the vase edge for use later.

Fill the inside of the pillowcase lining the vase with crumpled up tissue paper.

Place the labels from the tea towels, wooden spoons and pillow cases in the center with the crumpled up tissue paper (for the bride and groom to refer to after opening the gift). Ensure that the labels and tissue paper are pushed to the bottom half of the vase.

Fold the second "leaf" colour pillow case.

Arrange the pillow case on the diagonal on a table in front of you. Fold the pillow case in an accordion fold from one corner to the opposite diagonal corner.

Tie ribbon around the center of the folded pillow case. Curl the ribbon ends.

Spread out the corners of the pillow case to resemble leaves.

Set "leaves" aside.

 Fold one of the tea towels or two of the pillow cases length-wise.

Fold one of the tea towels or two of the pillow cases length-wise again.

Place one of the wooden spoons off-center on the tea towel.

Fold the cloth to the side, over the spoon.

Continue to roll the cloth around the spoon until you get to the end of the cloth.

Experiment with the off-center placement of the spoon inside the roll until you get the ends of the rolled up "flower" on opposite sides (see picture). It is important that the ends not bunch together on one side of the "flower".

Tie off with ribbon, curl the ribbon ends.

Spread out the "petals" of the flower - the ends of the tea towel or pillow case - to make the flower.

Experiment with pulling the towel and spreading the flower open.

Fold some of the petals down over the ribbon tied around the flower.

Place the finished "flowers" in the vase wooden spoon handle down. Experiment with the placement of the flowers until you are happy with the layout.

Use the crumpled up tissue to stabilize the "stems" of the flowers by adding more tissue in the bottom of the vase, if necessary.

Insert the "leaves" into the bouquet, securing them with ribbon to the "stem" of one of the "flowers". Spread out the leaves.

Add additional curled ribbon to some of the "stems" of the "flowers" so the ribbon drapes out of the bouquet.

If there are additional utensils, insert the additional utensils - handle side down - into the "bouquet".

Wrap a square of gift basket wrap around the vase and secure with ribbon.

Insert the card and gift card (if desired) into the bouquet (also I recommend taping a ribbon to the back of the card and securing it to one of the flowers so the card doesn't get lost).

Admire your work!

Happy Fathers Day

We started out this morning with breakfast in bed for the two dads in this house... M and my Dad. Happy Fathers Day to all my single mom friends... And to all the Dads out there.

Things That Make Mommy Happy

"It's so important to make Mommy happy. Just make one Mommy happy... make Mommy happy, and you will be happy, too." That's how the song goes... isn't it?

Things that made me happy in the last few days:

1) My new PDA. Sooo lovely. My first PDA. I feel spoiled and very loved that M made this all possible. My favourite features so far:

• the weather report is adorable - animated reports for all my friends on the interweb... and the little windshield wiper animation that clears the screen of digital raindrops when the weather report is for rain... makes a rainy day something to look forward to.
• great games - including two games -out of the box - that my little-ish kids can play and enjoy. THIS IS A VERY VITAL FEATURE in a phone or PDA for single or busy moms with bored kids. I don't know HOW many times I've distracted them with my phone. The best game so far is a tilt-the-marble into the box game that has live feedback (the phone "bumps" with the marble) and takes advantage of the PDA's positional sensor. I'll have to videotape it to show you.
• YouTube and Opera - Eddie Izzard videos everywhere I go - so at least I can laugh while living life in the frantic lane.
• touch interface. So cool. Also pretty.
• Microsoft Mobile. I know what all the iPhone users will respond with. But I do have to work, too, and MS is necessary for work.

2) Knitting group with friends. Lots of yarny projects. And lots of yarns. Ha.
We're still not sure what to call ourselves, the kids would be scandalized by the traditional knitting group of women name "Stitch n' B*tch" so the discussion continues. The half-joking nickname of "the Coven" has come up - it refers to some -er- social difficulties we've had due to our single parent status in our... traditional and conservative local environment.

3) Momtinis and friends. This week's knitting group Momtini was Arbour Mist Exotic Fruits White Zinfandel wine and Fresca, garnished with an orange... and a drinking straw cut in half (because I'm too absent-minded to remember to buy cocktail straws. Bad hostess. LOL)

I'm not saying we're cheap dates - or that single mommies love cheap hooch... but we're all on a budget, and a celebratory drink that is affordable is very much appreciated by parents of limited means.

4) A bead necklace from my youngest - re-strung on elastomer instead of plain old yarn. The yarn died. Poor yarn. I feel loved wearing it because of how loved it makes me feel - and because of how loved my kids feel when they see me wearing items they've made.

5) A new knitting project - a laptop bag for a single mom friend - using some new yarns I recently purchased including a hand spun merino wool/aloe vera combination slub yarn (soooo lovely to touch!) and a kettle dyed merino wool "feather" novelty yarn plus some lovely cotton combo yarns. It will be a combination of red and orange tones - and reminds me of a pheonix.

A pheonix is a very fitting image for for the single mom friend I'm designing this for, who also...

6) ...just started blogging.

The more sucessful single moms voices out there blogging, the better, I say!

Hospital 2 - Family 0

We've had a couple of busy and heavily medicated weeks at Casa Momartfully.

Last week I ended up in the hospital due to a nasty virus that triggered an even nastier Asthma attack.

Then this week my daughter ended up in the hospital with an Asthma attack.

Waiting in ER to see if my dauther's lastest Ventolin treatment will work... knitting away so I don't climb the walls.

So thankful for doctors, medicine, having a kid-friendly hospital, knitting to keep me sane... and Treehouse TV this week.

Dove Sleepover For Self Esteem

Some quick photos from our co-ed "Dove Sleepover For Self Esteem". 12 kids, a bunch of sleeping bags, lots of moms & "momtinis" and one Dad (M).

All the kids had their nails painted - including the boys, who preferred this "happy face" design.

Some of the girls relaxing while getting their facials and drying their nails.

All the perler bead crafts from the party.

The most popular makeover target was M - and I would show you photos of his divine eyeshadow and manicure (and bright red pedicure!) but he might be a bit mortified. But he is loved by all those kids who "helped" him.

Everyone had lots of fun and can't wait until next year's sleepover.

What dreams may come... like they'll actually SLEEP!

I'm hosting a sleep over for about a dozen girls, boys and some moms tomorrow. About a dozen people or so.

I'm not quite sure precisely how many will be here - it'll depend on how the kids react (for some of the littler ones it will be their first sleep away from home), and there's probably some who didn't RSVP but are planning on coming.

It doesn't really matter that we don't have a concrete number of guests - the more the merrier! When you reach a certain critical mass of guests, adding a few more doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. As Meagan Francis Tweeted to me tonight; "whenever my boys have a sleepover the other parents are like "are you SURE?" i say, what's one more pound to an elephant?". Since Meagan has a larger than average family she's a bit of an authority on entertaining crowds IMHO.

This sleep over party is part of the Canada-wide Dove Sleep Over For Self-Esteem. This is our family's second year of participating in the sleep over. The kids love this event.

Every year there's a self-esteem enhancing movie, lots of resources and even free PJs available. We'll be watching Ella Enchanted on YTV and requisite experts at the breaks talking about self esteem and self image, not such a bad thing, but they do tend to talk for a while...

We have a few of our own things planned as well;

• the girls requested mud masks & cucumber facials & pedicures
• the boys requested baking cookies with M
• most of the kids will be making Perler bead crafts
• probably a pillow fight or nine
• a morning-after Lego and Polly Pocket minefield to wade through
• a Momtini or ten

I heart the Dove "Real Beauty" campaign (and their videos, including this classic, "Evolution").

Good divorce - bad marriage

Momversation.com posted a video titled How Has Divorce Affected You?

In the midst of a sea of comments about how horrible divorce is, how damaging, how a healthy divorce is so rare... I posted a comment.

(Yes, it felt an awful lot like painting a gigantic target on my chest... but let's not get sidetracked...)

Like some of my other comments at Momversation.com - I expect at least one of these responses to be pulled. I get it, that website is driven by marketing dollars - not realistic and truthful stories - they want to present an image to an audience of young married mothers. That image is a carefully massaged one, positive, pretty, optimistic and hopefully in need of a lot of consumer goods from Target. (grin) Useful debate and real world advice isn't really wanted in that forum. I get it.

Still, I wanted to say it - because somewhere out there are at least a couple women who NEED to hear this... (and I'm a sucker for punishment!).  Momversation.com presents their website as a place for a conversation... and they're going to get it.

I know that *I* needed to hear this a few years ago. I didn't hear it, and it would have made a huge difference in my life, helped with my healing process and given me some peace about my choices;

I'm so HAPPY I'm divorced - it was the best decision of my life. Our standard of living is much higher, my children are happier and healthier, I am happy, productive, successful, loved and capable. I was careful to not put my kids in the middle but I did talk to them, and talk, and talk - in an appropriate, supportive way (see the "Divorce Care" and "Sandcastles" programs for more).

A marriage certificate wasn't going to compensate for an unhealthy marriage, and a divorce decree doesn't negate my now happy, healthy home. The paper doesn't matter, the reality does.

I don't dictate how others divorce - I have no right to. It's fantastic if you can live next to each other and co-parent intimately and have shared custody, but that's rare (about 15% of divorces). For others distance or sole custody (like myself) is the healthiest solution.

Anyone who reacts with "congratulations, you've ruined your child" is saying MUCH more about THEMSELVES than about you. The vast majority of negative reactions I've witnessed come directly out of fear the speaker has about their own marriage and issues, not mine. You can't win against prejudice.

The reality is that divorce happens for all sorts of reasons. A large part of the reason that it causes harm is not because of what happened in an specific divorce - but the prejudices, judgments, labels, expectations and attitudes of the rest of society about divorce. Like the label "broken home" indicating a single parent home - but not a married parent home.

Like Brett Butler used to say "My kids don't come from a broken home, when I got a divorce I FIXED IT."

One of the panelists (Giyen from Bacon is My Enemy) responded, "I definitely think that people cut their losses way to quickly and take the vows of marriage way to lightly."*

I responded with:

IMHO saying that divorce happens because it's the "easy" choice is misleading - and an insult to many who have divorced.

It may be popular to say that divorce is "easy" (especially with predominantly married audiences), but the truth is we have no idea what others go through in their divorces and we have no right to make global "pronouncements" about "all" divorces.

One panel member with a relatively healthy post-divorce situation doesn't make a majority.

In my experience with the dozens of divorced females in my group... divorce wasn't easy for a single one of us. For many of us it was the hardest, most harshly judged, alienating, poverty creating, lonely and socially unacceptable thing we've ever done. We still did it - often because we HAD to to save ourselves or to save our kids. It's often a harsh choice. As I thought at the time "I don't care if my church says I'll burn, my friends disappear or my family disowns me - I owe my children something better, and that's more important than anything else."

The reality is that staying married is often the easy choice, the socially acceptable, wealthier, less alienating choice - even if it hurts children more to grow up in a war zone than in a single parent home. There are a LOT of women who choose to stay because they see how divorced parents are judged, and inaction is easier than action that seems all uphill.

Getting married is easy - as one friend put it "you don't see glossy, fat magazines filled with gorgeous gowns and cakes celebrating 'Modern Divorcee' or 'Martha Stewart Divorces'" - nobody hosts a "divorce shower" (and really, they should - who NEEDS it more than a single mom?).

Like I said previously, it's often the attitude and prejudices of others that hurts those affected by divorce - not the divorce itself.

We need to change the way we view others who have gone through divorce, for the sake of their kids (if we're all so concerned about the damage) and for the sake of other moms.

* Giyen did say on her blog that she understands that divorce isn't often easy and I totally respect that. Giyen has gone through divorce hell as a child - and I didn't. I admire her for her maintaining balance in her life and her perceptions, even after what she has gone through.

I needed to respond to that crusty, tired, old chestnut of "divorce is an easy choice" for the sake of all the self-righteous young marrieds who believe that "I'll never get a divorce like THEM, I took my vows seriously!".

If even one self-righteous type actually THINKS about their divorce prejudices critically because of my responses - and modifies their behaviour as a result - then I'm happy. It'll help another mom - and her kids, and that's what really matters, isn't it?

Pirates VS Fairies - A Birthday Party

This weekend was another birthday party - this year's theme? Tinkerbell. (If you haven't been hanging around little girls this year you might not get it. Tinkerbell and associated fairy clique from Pixie Hollow are the IT girls of 2009.)

There was a wee problem with the fairy party theme, though, as every one of the fairies - including my own - had a very loved brother who would also be coming to the party. The brothers took a universal (and understandable) stand against boy fairies.Was not. Going. To happen.

There was a solution to the problem, suggested by my little fairy's loving but firm - brother, "There are boys in Peter Pan... and pirates! Tinkerbell is from Peter Pan. The boys can be pirates!"

This was said with so much... relish... that I wondered what would happen. What was he thinking?

I found out.

The party went well - a house filled with sparkles, and "arrrghs". It was Fairies VS Pirates for most of the party - kids baracading themselves in one bedroom or another while the "enemy" planned their attack.

I now know that cutlasses and wands are pretty evenly matched in a fight.

The movie went over well (another big screen event like the Star Wars birthday). The cake was lovely - a Tinkerbell cake of course... very bright and adorable, the girls loved it. The boys ignored the girlie colours and wolfed down the chocolate cake inside. M and I tried to ignore the fact that washing the icing off the dishes was remarkably like washing Vaseline off of the dishes - only in brighter colours.

We bought a huge bouquet of flowers for decorating the house. Actually, I confess... the flowers were not the crowning touch of my beautiful, well kept home... the flowers were to help hide my lack of domesticality. I buy flowers, dim the lights and serve strong drinks to the parents in the hopes that they will not notice my less than Martha level of housekeeping.

I whipped up a quick Monarch butterfly pipe-cleaner animal to decorate the flowers and sort of tie in with the fairy theme.

The girls loved dressing up for the party - the house was filled with beautiful, sparkling fairies and bright sunny smiles...

The mini pirates, including my own, looked suitably dastardly and very happy with their pirate-ness.

My own mini-pirate woke me up that morning with "Mom! I'm ready for the party and I'm already wearing my costume." Costume? What costume my bleary sleep-muddled mind tried to sort out and I struggled out of the blankets. We hadn't organized a costume yet...

"I've even done some scars!"

Scars? "What?" I cracked open one eye.

"See?!?" A bandana, a cute striped shirt, a cutlass in a belt slung over his shoulder... eyepatch, a lot of his sister's play jewelry... and what was on his face? Scars? There was marker all over his face. He had drawn a small red scar on one cheek, and a lovely gruesome scar over the other eye.

"What did you draw that with?" I asked. "My markers!" he said, grinning.
"You mean the permanent markers?" I asked, but I already knew the answer.
Yes. The permanent markers.

A little while later he observed, "Wow, mom. That stuff doesn't wash off."

"Yeah. That's why it's called permanent, dear."

Guess who's going to school tomorrow covered in pirate scars?

He's thrilled.

Dr. Laura on Working Moms

Being a SAHM is, according to Dr. Laura, "the best gift a woman can give herself, her family and society". Being a SAHM is "the sweetest thing you can do for your family". But this isn't a slam against working moms - Dr. Laura insists. It's just that working just isn't as important as staying at home - but she wouldn't want working moms to feel guilty.

That's her "sense of humour".

According to Dr. Laura it's so tough being a SAHM - "they're told they're setting themselves up for terrible things". What precisely does Dr. Laura want? Does she want deliberate denial of some harsh, but necessary realities? Does she want SAHMs to live in ignorance of the need for an education, health care coverage, pensions, the possibility of divorce, the need for their own credit rating, self-development, their own needs and a million other realities... so they don't feel bad?

Yes, it's harsh being a SAHM when confronted by those issues. It's also harsh being a working mom confronted by those issues. The decision to be a SAHM should be an informed decision, shouldn't it? Aren't we adults? Why do we need to be shielded from reality in order to make our choices?

Notice Dr. Laura's mocking tone when she speaks of herself as a career woman. She states that her son "didn't even know his mother worked". Why not? Why hide that fact? Is it that horrible for her darling son to realize his mom was just like the majority of moms - and like the majority of adults - she worked?

Dr. Laura asserts "you can do both as long as you're not wearing yourself out" - then she lists all the priorities a mom should also be concerned with. This is just laughable. She implies that working moms should pursue flexible working options. I guess she believes flexible work options are easy to come by.

In a recession.

The reality is flexible work options often have to be earned over time... by career moms. You'd better believe that my kids knew I was a working mom long before I got my career to the level where I could telecommute in my jammies once in a while.

Don't fret says Dr. Laura - once the kids are in school you have that whole "middle of the day" to do... and she stumbles here... to do whatever. Like that law career you left years ago... you can squeeze that in between Kindergarten drop off and pick up - right?

There's a missing reality here. Most work opportunities you can squeeze into the "middle of the day" - especially if you've been out of the workforce for a while - will be in the service industries. Part time - lower pay than you'd need to support your family on your own - and probably without benefits.

Meridith asked "Don't [moms] have to live in the real world?"

Dr. Laura asserts that the real world is women leaving work and being SAHMs. Really. After all, day-cares are going out of business for lack of children! Really! All moms are leaving the workforce - and now they're shocked to realize they didn't need to work after all. None of them - even in this recession (which she doesn't seem to think matters very much). "They don't let things like this economy get in the way..." says Dr. Laura. Those moms just need to be forced into staying at home to recognize the errors of their wrong-thinking about needing to work.

I love how Dr. Laura excuses her own working mom career as being, well, special. She wasn't like all the other working moms. She's the only special working mom who made arrangements for her child that weren't harmful. The rest of us working moms apparently throw our kids into a pit of howling wolves and bubbling acid (otherwise known as "child care") as we saunter off in Prada to our silly, unnecessary careers.

Not that Dr. Laura's attacking us.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

If you're a SAHM who doesn't have an independant financial welfare plan for yourself and you believe Dr. Laura whole-heartedly then I highly recommend reading "The Meaning of Wife" by Anne Kingston.

If Dr. Laura's telling the truth this book won't change your mind about Dr. Laura's opinion - but if Dr. Laura is wrong in fifty million ways... then you might be in for some good, useful information that could help you... and your kids.

Working mom or SAHM - I'm not going to tell you you're doing is wrong - I just want to make sure you're doing it right.

A ring, a sheep and a compass

The last few days can be summed up in three photos; a ring, a sheep and a compass.
A ring for the woman.
A sheep for the mom.
A compass for my career.

First, the ring. I call this ring my "Freedom Ring" (like the famous American lyric "let freedom ring") and I've had it for years. I bought this first ring for myself just after the Ex and I separated. The Ex never bought me an engagement ring or wedding ring - I bought him a wedding ring (with diamonds), but he "forgot" about a ring for me.
I eventually bought my own (fake) just before our wedding because I was ashamed that I had nothing from him (I know, I know, hello... RED FLAG!). At the time I still thought the fake I bought would be replaced at some point by the man I married. I was pretty astonished (and hurt) that it wasn't something the Ex cared about - in my universe buying a ring for your intended was a standard part of getting married.

I know now years later that I'm worth a ring (and a lot more) - so I bought a ring for myself, and it's my "Freedom Ring", symbolizing my freedom in all sorts of ways. It's silver, mother-of-pearl and marcasite. Not really expensive... but a beautiful design I really liked... and very meaningful.

My first find - a new ring. Sadly, my "Freedom Ring" is getting old. It's lost a lot of the stones - I still love it, but I've been considering buying new rings for myself - not expensive, but pretty and meaningful.
I found a new ring a few days ago on a local shopping trip with my mom, who was in town visiting. It's a silver ring with two loops beautifully spiralled around each other.

I just like it, I'm not sure why, but the two independent loops spiraled around each other to make a beautiful design reminds me of M. The loops are like us - we can exist alone and we have integrity of our own but we are much more beautiful, strong and meaningful together.

Incidently... M calls my assortment of rings my "brass knuckles". They make me happy and sometimes help me feel more femminine - even if some people think they make me look like I'm about to attend a rumble.
As a teen and young woman I never really got to wear anything "girlie"; I'm very tall, so high heels are out, I have wrists the size of most men's wrists, so girlie watches are out. Now I have small kids so large earrings are a disaster in waiting (just begging to have small children hanging from them) but rings... those I can do.

 My second recent find: my sheep - a puppet I found when M and the kids and I went book shopping a few days ago. I thought he was adorable, and I've been looking for a toy sheep (I have this persistent vision of a knitting studio in whatever house we end up buying, and there's a toy sheep in the picture). I think he's adorable - but the kitten has been regarding him with deep suspicion alternating with typical feline disdain.

I wonder if she thinks she's being replaced?

I think the sheep needs a collar. Or a scarf. Or a hat. And a name. He - or she (hard to tell under all that "wool")- doesn't have a name yet. Maybe I should have a contest. A blog contest (for my two readers).

Name my fabulous sheep and I'll knit you a hat? That could actually work! I'll have to think about that. Stay tuned.

 Third... a compass. I went to a work-related seminar today. The theme was something like finding your way in all the new technology. As is typical at business techie events like this, we were handed a bag of swag. Each bag had a couple goodies and lots of printed bits to digest. One of the swag items was a nice freebie - a 2G USB memory stick. The other item was a compass.

I left thinking they should have handed us a flashlight and a pair of hands, instead.

Or a handbasket.

I Won, I Won, I Won (a Donut)

After all my gripping about M the Zen Master winning Tim Horton's Rrrroll Up the Rim prizes and hogging all the glorious Canadian Karma for himself... today... I actually won! I WON! I rolled up the rim (with my teeth) and there it was:

I won a Donut ® !!!

(Seriously distracting sideline... the word "Donut" is trademarked by that pinnacle of Canadian-ness  Tim Hortons? That isn't even the Canadian spelling of "doughnut"!)

Yes, it may just be a donut, but it's my donut. My Karmic donut - and I am going to relish my Karmic doughnut (so there Tim Hortons!).

At this rate, it may be the last one I get.

For those of you who want to save your front teeth for silly things like... oh... I dunno... maybe chewing instead of obsessively Rrrrolling up Rrrims... Lee Valley has the Rimroller™.

I actually think it's rather nifty!

And I didn't even mention the ™.

Everything You Wanted To Know About Canada...

...but were afraid to ask.

Very funny, I love Rick Mercer!

Friends are friends, help is help

Daniella is a single mom fleeing from abuse with nowhere to turn and one of her children has special needs (yes, this is very familiar territory). She needs help, and David is rallying the troops.

When I needed help my online friends helped immeasurably with support and concrete help. Despite what the media says and what many who don't "live on the web" think - my group of friends (and I) knew that friends are friends regardless of how they communicate - and you can care about someone you've never seen face-to-face.

I'm pretty sure David (a visionary at the drool-worthy web powerhouse Critical Mass) gets that, too.

Please help David help Daniela. It means more than you know, and as David says on his blog "...we're all in this neighborhood together."

I think we deserve better than Oprah (Momversation)

Today's topic is Oprah. The panelists asked "How do you feel about Oprah?"

I'll be honest here... I'm not a fan of Oprah... or daytime television. Most television, really. For a long time I was fairly neutral about Oprah, but lately I've harbored a distinct dislike for her.

I've watched her show over the years when I was home on sick days or maternity leave... through her tabloid journalism phase, her spiritual rebirth phase, the read-a-book phase, the mega-publishing monopoly phase... Oprah has never really "stuck" with me. I admired her rise from poverty and thought she was a great journalist in the past.

I tried reading her magazine - but it talked about buying things that were unaffordable, holidays that were unreachable, recipes that were impractical.. lifestyles that nobody I knew even had. There was this assumption that everyone had lots of disposable income... and lots of spare time... and just needed to know what to do with themselves.

For the most part I was indifferent, but I admit it irked me when Oprah's Book Club constantly recommended... for lack of a better word... melodramas. I found it... insulting.

That's what women were supposed to read? Can't we do better?

Oprah speaks down to others - it's been years since I've seen her treat anyone as an equal - unless they were another celebrity. There's an arrogance in her "interview" style now - she's as much of an expert as her guests (and she isn't, she just has staff to do research for her).

I do admire her for climbing out of poverty and recovering from trauma, but I don't believe that person has anything to do with Oprah any more.

Do I think she's too powerful? Maybe - that depends on each audience member. I do have friends who could use a little less Oprah in their lives. I do think there are other ways Oprah could spend her money... but that's her choice, not mine. Oprah doesn't have a lot of power in my life - and that's my choice.

The thing is... I think we all deserve better than Oprah. We all deserve someone who assumes her audience is smart and capable. Someone who chooses books that are challenging, topics that are challenging, stories that aren't always a happy ending.

Less melodrama, less celebrity-of-the-week-with-a-book-to-shill... more thoughtful topics, more respectful portrayals, more depth... more... real.

We need someone who doesn't view life as a reality show - sensationalizing everything. Endless drama isn't entertaining, it's draining.

We need someone who is comfortable with the peaceful, quiet moments of life, who isn't driven to make everything entertaining and all-consuming and profound at every single moment of every single day.

We need someone who understands real life, the challenges, budgets, stress, love, hate, pain and happiness of everyday people... not the shallowness of celebrity worship.

That's not Oprah, but it could be ordinary, every day moms. Let's buy less into Oprah, and more into ourselves.