Momartfully

The Sadder But Wiser Girl

Evidently the "Opt Out Revolution" is over: Recession Drives Women Back to the Work Force

To be honest I never really saw or felt that there was a huge "Opt Out Revolution" in the world around me. In my world the majority of moms are working moms.

I rarely saw the other side of the "Opt Out Revolution" - called "On Ramping" - widely discussed. It was almost as if in the era of "Opt Out Mommies" that re-entering the workforce was widely assumed to be easy, requiring little effort, completed very quickly and with little planning.

Riiight.

The reality I saw was that Moms re-entering the workforce all around me were having an absolutely hideous time. They couldn't find decent and affordable childcare, they were trying to figure out how to squeeze a career in between morning drop off and noon pick up. Moms all around me were facing work realities they had no idea existed.

Even worse - they were also being played - everywhere they looked there were plenty of bloggers and advertisers pushing the idea that moms could "work from home" and enjoy a huge income. It turned out that the "work from home" evangelists were either exceedingly rare pro-bloggers who ignored anyone who wasn't also working as an exceedingly rare pro-blogger - or they were salespeople selling some work-at-home "solution". Both groups often ignored the fact that a huge portion of women dominated careers are in industries that can't be delivered from home or with a toddler or two hovering in the background - like nursing or teaching. To hear some moms talk working from home was the new working mom paradigm - nobody did that silly, frantic working mom commute, daycare thing any more. 

Except that isn't true.

The reality around here - the only moms I know of who ended up with a decent income and the opportunity to sometimes work from home are myself, my co-worker and one other mom. None of us were working as the newest "miracle career" and working from home was only a portion of our work time. There were still some basic working realities for those of us who could sometimes work from home, our employers still demanded plenty of on site "face time" and telecommuting was a privilege that we had to demand from our employers and earn through a combination of seniority and a history of above average output for years in our careers. Teleworking was not an option for any mom we knew who was just returning to work after years of "Opting Out".

So much for the "new" paradigm of working from home for the vast majority of moms.

A lot of the "On Ramp" moms around me found that while they were "Opting Out" there was also a series of wholesale revolutions in the workplace - and they were expected to already have a working knowledge of those changes and to have their own coping mechanisms in place as soon as they returned;

• Layoffs and trimming (like in every recession cycle) created philosophical and technological revolutions across entire corporations
• transparency and privacy law changes that have swept across many organizations and changed everything, from reports to file storage, resource usage...
• technologies and procedures in areas like Nursing completely changed in a short span of a few years
• most Microsoft "houses" (and most businesses are) have rolled out - or will be rolling out huge technological changes like SharePoint and other software upgrades and changes - and employers aren't going to provide training for those returning to work. Either you know it, or you don't.
• we're in a recession - in a time of job and expense cuts, not expansion. New employees face even harsher competition among applicants than ever before - and any weaknesses in your resume could cost you the chance for even an interview - let alone the job

There's another reality that isn't widely discussed among moms - unless you have spent a lot of time with single, divorced or otherwise sadder but wiser girls;

It turns out that "Opting Out" has a proven financial and professional penalty built in:

"Studies have found that for every two years a woman is out of the labor force, her earnings fall by 10 percent, a penalty that lasts throughout her career." (NY Times) 

While the emotional benefits of "Opting Out" can sometimes make a compelling argument for many emotionally vunerable moms - the financial and professional and personal realities of "Opting Out" should never be ignored or minimized for any woman. It's a gigantic disservice to moms to completely ignore the realities of financial health and instead emphasize and concentrate on a short period of emotional gain.

I still remember sitting in a room filled with newly single divorcing women discussing their new financial realities. Most of them were returning to work after a significant "Opt Out" time period when they relied on their soon-to-be ex-husband's income - they were universally devastated by the financial realities that their choices and now their divorces forced on them.

They couldn't go back to work in previous careers - because exiting the workforce put them on the sidelines professionally - the work world had moved on without them. Missing years in the workforce had a huge, punitive impact on the lives of those women, and nobody told them it could happen. Nobody told them that the emotional benefit of exiting the workforce to stay at home with their kids would harm their careers. The entire group thought they could take turns at both working and mothering without any penalty. Many of the group members expressed that they wouldn't have made the same choices if they just knew what would happen, that there was a 50/50 chance of this happening to any woman - many said they felt cheated - the wished they had never "Opted Out".

The sadder but wiser girl, indeed.

Soggy

In the early morning hours we shuffle in. Within a few minutes our clever t-shirts and hoodies are clingy and damp. Our hair is perpetually frizzy - or shaved off. We clutch Timmys coffee to our chests and lug our totes filled with granola bars, wide-toothed combs, nose plugs and goggles. We forgo the perpetual sogginess of socks and wear our flip-flops with pride well into the snowy months. We can braid snarled hair in seconds and we hoard quarters for lockers.

We are swimming parents.

We are nowhere near as high profile as "soccer moms" or "hockey moms". You can't look all that elegant and fashion forward when you are cheering your kid in a billion percent humidity. We don't shout encourgement at our kids with the vehemence of other parents - swimming just isn't a contact sport. Plus the kids can't really hear your maniacal cheering when they're underwater and you're behind a plexi-glass window.

Mostly.

But we're fantastic at giving an enthusiastic thumbs up signs and mouthing "good job!" to our soaked and shivering offspring. Our kids can't demonstrate their sports skills on the playground, and their lean physiques and slightly fried hair rarely places them at the top of their social circle.

A large portion of our kids started swimming because issues like Asthma kept them from other sports or because water is a great equalizer and they seem effortlessly graceful in water while remaining awkward on land. Many of us are swimmers ourselves for the same reasons. Our sport won't win us any social recommendations. Few sports fans gather around the TV for a swim match or make swimming stars into cultural icons or millionaires.

Our Olympic medalists are more often known as 'his mom' or 'her dad' - I know two former medalists who are about much more than one metalic afternoon that was years ago. Even knowing that fame and fortune reside elsewhere we swim moms and dads remain dedicated sports parents, supportive and involved...

If slightly soggy.

My Son's Value Is Beyond His Price

As a Canadian I believe health care is a basic human right. Period.

I believe that ALL humans have the RIGHT to have access to health services regardless of their gender, religion, race, sexuality, nationality or income level. Preexisting or new, chronic or acute, systemic or isolated issues, inexpensive and straight-forward or complex and expensive... it doesn't matter. It is humane to heal the sick, it is decent to tend to those who are wounded, it a basic and universal.

To be human is to care for those in need.
 
It is simply part of being Canadian to share the cost of caring for all - and despite what you may hear - it works.

I watched US newscasts last night to try to understand the health-care debate - and I was profoundly shocked to hear that some Americans do NOT believe that health care is a basic human right.

Health care is NOT a basic human right.
 
That is a jaw-dropping and astonishing concept for a Canadian. In Canada it IS a right.

I have a medically complicated special needs child. He has a congenital syndrome, he was born that way - different from the time he was a Zygote due to a series of changes in his very DNA. He had multiple birth defects (most are surgically corrected) and systemic issues (brain damage, a profound hearing impairment, Epilepsy, and much more). He was also premature and required a number of surgeries - and will need more.

If I lived in the US not only would I have been bankrupted by the costs  of providing for my son's rocky start in life - but both my children may have never been born at all. I would have felt that I REQUIRED extensive prenatal testing - not for any known preexisting condition - but because I would feel that I could NOT give birth to a sick child that would not have it's medical needs met. I would know that anything BUT a healthy child would be catastrophic.

My entire family's future could be destroyed, our house could be taken away, any other children traumatized and everyone's futures ruined - just because a child wasn't genetically perfect. My son has immeasurable value as a person - and while he had a complicated and shaky start in life he is now a sunny, brilliant child filled with promise. He overcame his neurological problems and now hears and walks and tests in the gifted range.  Nobody predicted his amazing progress and he continues to push forward against the odds.

He will do amazing things for our world.

In the US my son would probably never would have been born - because it would have cost too much.

In Canada my son's value has been - and always will be - far beyond his price.

recommended reading: 

• PhD in Parening: "Public Health Care: Canadian Perspectives on Myths and Reality"
• book discussing expecting a child with genetic issues: "Choosing Naia" (Amazon)

Scarf-o-ramma

It's scarf-o-ramma time (no, not that kind of scarfing). This kind of "scarfing":

 

Three scarves, hanging out (har, har).

• pink
  
  • knit horizontally (end-to-end)
  • dollar store find yarn (2-strand confetti chenille and eyelash)
  • cotton yarn for the center stripes
  • about 125 stitches long, 18 stitches wide (6 novelty/6cotton/6novelty)
  • I love the fringe - the confetti chenille yarn looks beautiful
  • this one's a gift scarf (for a little girl) who will LOVE having her own "feather boa" scarf
  
  
• grey - (previously mentioned, this is a better photo)
  
  • knit traditionally (side-to-side)
  • short scarf (for a 3 year old boy)
  • acrylic slub yarn (dollar store find)
  • 8 stitches wide, garter stitch
  • also a gift scarf (little boy)

• orange - (previously mentioned, this is a better photo)
  
  • knit side-to-side.
  • Each row is 15 stitches, garter stitch
  • I am not overly happy with this one, may rip it out and re-do it in a more lacy pattern
  • this scarf is also a gift

I found a great informative video on scarf trends (how to tie them, types for each season and tips).

More to come, of course!

What Will Your Kids Be (this week, anyway) & 3 Scarves

Based on your kid's interests lately, what would you say they would grow up to be?

My darling, dainty, Tinkerbell loving, pink-and-glitter-on-everything little girl wants to drive a big rig.

This week, anyway.

Our day home caregiver's husband is a long-haul truck driver. A couple weeks ago the caregiver's husband and grown son took the bigger kids to go visit his BIG truck.

She was HOOKED. Smitten. Clutching the steering wheel, chattering on the radio and waving out the window.

However that dashboard may be a wee bit of a problem - she probably should be able to see the road.

She even asked - I'm so not kidding - if I had any "tattoos" in the house. She wanted a tattoo - the wet transfer kind. I explained to her that real tattoos are made with needles and hurt. She didn't seem deterred.

Thankfully Miami Ink isn't on Treehouse TV.

My son normally states he wants to be an author. A children's author, a graphic novelist or "something like Percy Jackson" - as long as he's writing, he's happy.

But lately he's been all about trees.

He scaled every tree in my parent's commercial orchard this summer - and that's a LOT of trees.

He's building a treehouse in our back yard - by himself.

He spends almost all his time in the back yard hanging out in the trees, thinking, talking to friends and figuring out how to fasten the tree house to the tree without nails, "The nails hurt the tree, mom."

He's also perfecting his climbing skills by clinging to the door trim and climbing up the walls - or climbing up opposing walls in the hallway.

Peter Parker (Spiderman) was a writer, wasn't he?

Three Scarves

On the knitting front - I've been cranking out a lot of scarves this week. I knit when I'm stressed, and since I've resigned my current job and accepted another job offer - I'm just a wee bit stressed. It's change - and I'm not good with change - it's a good change, but still. Stress.

So, I'm knitting.

I'm going to be giving out a lot of scarves for Christmas. 

Finished this a "slubby" hand-dyed merino wool scarf in orange

...and this a gorgeous pure viscose moss stitch scarf in teal

...and this dollar store find! Grey mix slubby acrylic yarn

Now I'm working on another dollar store find scarf - a pink 2 strand (eyelash and chenille) yarn that will be combined with a pink organic cotton yarn (how's for a combination LOL). I'm also working on a purple kettle dyed merino wool scarf (it's sooo soft), some cotton dishcloths (always!) and thinking about tackling the goat yarn (that I first mentioned here).

I hope it'll be a cold winter.

Single Moms - Web Outcasts

I'm frustrated by the lack of voice that single parents still have in online content. I half-jokingly remarked to a friend (also a web geek and also a single mom) that we single parents seem like web outcasts. We live outside of the "normal" communities. We have our own little enclaves of content, but we are not part of most of the large communities.

It's not as if we aren't out there - and contributing some great content: Single Mom Seeking, Dad's House, Single Mom Says (check out the Singlemommyhood.com list for more).

So why hasn't our voice been heard? Why are we regarded as an invisible minority?

I think it's due to a few factors. One of them is misconceptions about single parents - who they are, what they are, and how many there are:

• only 24% of all households (US) are a married couple with children
• 45.8% of (US) marriages end in divorce
• single mothers are not just teenage mothers:
  
  • teenage mothers are only 11% of births (US)
  • almost half of all single mothers (US) are divorced single moms (3.392 million)
  • 33% percent of single parents have never been married
• 11.2% of ALL (US) households are currently single parent households
  
  • 27.7% of households with children are single parent households
• almost 30% of all US parenting content goes to single parent households

• 37% of (Canadian) marriages end in divorce
  
• 31% of all family households* (Canada) are not married:
  • 15.5% of family households (Canada) are common law families
  • 15.9% of family households (Canada) are single parents:
    
    • 12.8% are single moms & 1.3% are single dads
• 31% of all Canadian parenting content goes to single parent households

In short: ONE THIRD of the US/Canadian parenting content consumers are single parent households.

Also worthy of note: Canada has a much higher single parenting rate than the US - in part because common law households and married same sex couples are more common (and legal) here in Canada.

Canadian crime rates are lower than US crime rates - and we have more single parent households (per capita) than the US.

There goes Ann Coulter's theory that single parent households cause crime:

osolomama also does a great job of taking Ann Coulter apart and pointing out that  correlation does not equal causality

This means that based on population numbers - every "parenting" panel, every "mommy" group of contributors and group of "parenting" content award winners should have more single parents. For every 10 married mom bloggers out there there we should also see at least three single mom bloggers and at least one single dad blogger as well.

Popular single mom bloggers and single mom community leaders are often regarded as "unusual" - while single dad bloggers and community leaders are as rare as hen's teeth. The online market is saturated with married blogging moms. Unfortunately many content providers and marketers view married blogging moms as representative all parenting issues and priorities.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

What's even worse is when a commercial community desperately attempts to market to the single parent demographic and they do a horrendous job of it. Like when Momversation deliberately chose to ask their panel members to represent an issue they don't even have; being "a stressed working mom" or when they tried to bring in a single mom audience with the inflammatory and prejudicial question "can married moms and single moms be friends?". Or how Blogher chooses to not have ANY single parent content or an editor for single parent content.

Imagine if someone tried to speak "for" another race or speak "for" another gender? Speaking "for" a group implies they can't speak for themselves, that they don't have a voice, are incapable of understanding their own issues, or that some other voice has more "authority".

I can't list how many times I've heard married moms compare themselves to single moms (or working moms) and outright stating what single (or working) mom issues must be because they think so.

They don't ask what our issues are - they tell us.

One third of the market continues to be under-represented or to have our view presented "for" us - and the massive single parent audience is left with web content that is largely irrelevant, unappealing, useless, misleading, inaccurate and sometimes even insulting.

The single parent population reality is not reflected in other ways, too. Recently I sent out a Tweet asking if any single parents have attended or will attend Blogher.

It turns out there are just a handful of single mother attendees at events as huge as Blogher (a search on Blogher of their attendants with the tag "single mom" yields three names for the 2009 event). Although some single moms responded to my Tweet and expressed interest in going to Blogher 2010 - they all specified they would only attend if other single moms went too.

Why? Why don't we feel welcome? Why do we need to have other single moms with us? Why aren't we attending large events like this?

I suspect their reasons are the same as mine:

• expense: Airfare, hotel costs and conference costs ad up to thousands of dollars - which narrows the attendees down to the wealthy or the sponsored - with the sponsored attendees almost universally married blogging SAHMs. Unfortunately sifting attendees through a financial sieve ensures that the conference will not be representative of the parenting reality.
• childcare: events like Blogher often have no provision for childcare - which seems bizarre when considering their huge "mommy-blogging" audience and when compared to other conferences with whole supervised streams of content for conference kids. I'm guessing a "BlogHerKid" component would be a huge success and good-will gesture.
  (Especially if one third of spots were reserved for single parents, which I doubt they'd do)
• exclusion: there is no content that is relevant, there are no groups of single moms attending, no parties for single moms, no recognition of single mothers as a valuable and large demographic, no topics that apply to single moms. Single moms have no reason to go
• no understanding: despite a few attempts to reach out to single parents the vast majority of parenting communities do not understand our issues and do not understand our community

Why would commercial web communities exclude single parents? Is it a deliberate choice or an unconscious choice? Single parents recognize that we're being excluded (unconsciously or otherwise) and we want to change it.

So we need to know why - and change what online communities know about single parents:

• publishers of online content are genuinely unaware of how large the single parent audience really is - and that the single parent demographic is growing much faster than the married parent demographic (we are one third of the market and growing - fast!)
• leisure time, lack of appeal or inclusion:
  
  • working and parenting alone leaves single parents with much less leisure time than other parenting families for publishing content and participating in online communities
  • single parents publish much less quantity content - but often publish higher quality content. Quantity of online publishers should be minimized and quality should be emphasized.
  • do not speak for us - invite us to speak instead
• the image of the single parent - false perception that single parents are poor, uneducated, unemployed and inactive on line
  
• broken homes nonsense: the mistaken belief that single parent households are a sad and broken - a real "downer" for their audience. Single parents are often empowered and positive images out there - LOTS of us have IMPROVED our situations by becoming single parents, including higher income levels
  
• our discretionary spending power - the mistaken belief that single parents are raising only one child and that we do not have discretionary spending budgets. We often have entire households we maintain, more than one child - and the budgets to go with it.
• age range - single parents are NOT only (or even mostly) teen mothers
  
• fear of single parents as a negative "moral" influence - when many single parents are single parents because of their moral choices or beliefs

What do you think?

* Stats Canada counts households differently than the U.S. Census Bureau
Sources: U.S. Census Bureau, National Center for Health Statistics, Stats Canada

Golden Eggs and Haystacks

I get the whole "blogging with integrity" concept and the current debate in various mommyblogging communities. I agree, something's got to give.

After returning to the blogging world after my divorce hiatus I surfed around the mommy blogosphere. I was shocked - and disappointed - by the wholesale change in blogging - the lack of community and exchange, the blatant commercialization, and the lack of content.

I can completely respect that some want to make a living off of blogging or supplement their main source of income. It's the approach that's all wrong. I don't know why PR professionals would be approaching online marketing in this way (direct endorsements, spamming online communities, hijacking content that captured the audience in the first place).

Evidently young PR workers (so! old!) did not listen very well to the story of the goose that laid the golden egg.

Stop eating the geese, people. You're destroying quality content and driving away your audience.

Build a nice goose nest with lots of good quality twigs and feathers for the nice geese and do what you can to make the geese happy to stick around - and the eggs will show up.

Remember banner ads?

At first we advertisers (yes, I was on the dark side) were golden. We tried plastering advertising all over content to "capture eyeballs" and to drive up click-through rates. Only overzealous and intrusive banner advertising didn't work very well - and our advertising was standing in the way of communication and our communities - not supporting them. And we got roasted for it.

We strangled the content that was drawing our audience. We also greatly annoyed the audience with the intrusiveness of many banner ads - which lead to damage to our image. It just wasn't worth the dismal sales generated.

The best advertising either contributes something useful or entertaining or is supportive and unobtrusive to the content. Build a community or a discussion and support it with advertising. Web professionals have known for a decade now that eye blistering online advertising banners don't work well and that spam is professional suicide.

Just last night I un-followed some Twitter accounts because they spammed their followers for a large portion of the evening. There is no other word for it. Dozens and dozens of tweets with the same "#topic" in a very small period of time. A whole group of participants were voluntarily acting like Twitter bots - pushing out quantity instead of quality.

For the sake of a cheap freebie.

Be the needle - not the haystack. Nobody cares about the hay.

Here's my proposal (if there's a PR person out there listening). Take the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) television broadcasts as an example - they push out high quality content that has a variety of niche markets. Their content is not dictated by the sponsor. They have an established audience because of the value of their content and the freedom they have with their "voice". Their reputation for great content is golden. They do NOT let advertising interfere with the content or dictate the content - advertising is supportive and visible, but does not block or frustrate the audience. 

And it works.

Imagine the mommyblogging universe with this approach - micro-communities all over with authoritative, respected, independent, creative, quality, distinctive voices. Two way discussions. Niche markets with deep topic exploration and outstanding product and market feedback. Attractive design instead of fifty ka-gillion competing/flashing ads.

It's not that hard, or even new. It's golden eggs and haystacks.

(image from Getty Images)

Orthodontic Zoo

Early this morning we pried the kids out of bed for a visit to the orthodontist - and bribed them with a promise to visit the zoo that afternoon.

Thankfully our orthodontist is insanely kid friendly (Game-boys and Nintendo DS while you wait!) and the orthodontist didn't scare the bejeebers out of him - mostly because the verdict was "needs extensive orthodontic work" and "he's too small for the work now, check back in six months". This is probably the first time ever that DS's delayed physical development has been an advantage.

Ortho work will be needed to correct: a 100% overbite (top teeth completely cover bottom teeth when he closes his mouth), his jaw is set too far back, jaw mis-aligned side-to-side, intense crowding so his lower jawbone will need to be expanded either with "appliances" or surgery, and a minor surgical procedure on the fraenum (upper lip to gum tissue) that is causing a gap in his front teeth.

When the orthodontist used the word "appliances" it scared me. DS remained remarkably calm for the visit - he flirted with all the other dental chair residents (teenage girls) and he didn't flee at the mention of the word "appliances" or "surgery". Then again, he was a wee bit busy playing Spiderman on the Game Boy at that point.

I admire the orthodontist's self-control - he did not rub his hands in glee at the prospect of how much work will be needed - at least not until after we left. Ah well, this wasn't entirely unexpected - it is more work and trauma for DS than I had hoped, not to mention the expense (thank you dear God for benefits) - but it is not as bad as it could have been.

I guess this all comes with the territory of having a kid with a rare disorder and a perverse and mischievous personality. He keeps me on my toes.

-----

So then it was off to the Zoo. Thankfully the animals were certainly co-operating today and they posed and paraded around beautifully.

I climbed to the top of the bleachers near the giraffe enclosure and flirted outrageously with the closet giraffe. (I lurve giraffes!) To my delight the closest giraffe ambled over and stopped for a nice long snack at the tree right next to me. The kids ran over to oogle my leggy friend and were squealing in delight. 

I swear I saw the giraffe grinning.

The visiting koalas were a huge draw - and they obligingly posed for us - in their sleep (this photo is mostly for Mar, she didn't get to see the koalas when she visited).

Sorry it's a blurry pic - my cellphone camera can only do so much - and the window was so smudged looked like it had been licked. Repeatedly. Since the Zoo Keeper explained koalas are only awake for about 2 hours a day... it made me wonder a wee bit about what exactly those naughty marsupials are up to in that two hour time slot to smudge the window so... enthusiastically.

The kids even got along for most of the trip. I mean... look at that photo - they're admiring the zebras and they're voluntarily touching in a non-violent way. They even look like they like each other.

I think we saw about half of the Zoo residents, and that was enough. Everyone was tired by the end of the day - including M.

Good thing we rented that wagon for the kids.

Mom-centric Keywords for the Top 5% Twitter Users

This analysis is fascinating, an extensive breakdown of the characteristics of the top 5% of Twitter Users.

In my opinion, one of the most striking things in this report was the keyword "cloud" - most importantly the keywords in the cloud. I found many of the keywords to be female-centric, related to motherhood and/or related to careers that are heavily pursued by mothers looking for a work-at-home career (like graphic design, web design, and internet technologies).

I've highlighted the women/mom-centric phrases below:

the keywords/phrases:

• husband, father, husband and father, stay at home, wife, mom, love my family,
• web designer, internet marketing, graphic designer, graphic design, web design, web developer

Some of the phrases in the last set are to be expected from early adopters... but I found the first set of keywords very interesting. Essentially the most active Twitter users are moms.

Which is huge in it's implications for both marketers targeting moms... and for the web-savvy moms out there.

Who's On The Mommyblogging "A" List, Anyway?

I keep hearing about the Mommyblogging "A" list (especially in the wake of certain female-centric and/or mommyblogging conferences in recent weeks). Mommyblogging is the new black. Big money, little effort. The hip crowd, the popular girls. The Plastics.

And there's a lot of scrambling to be at the top of the pyramid.

What I don't know, and can't find... is a list of who exactly is on the mommyblogging "A" list? And why are they on that list?

Nobody seems to agree on the membership of that exclusive list beyond Dooce.com

I fully feel Heather deserves to be on a blogging "A" list for the sheer value of her groundbreaking status in being one of the first people to be fired for blogging - and coining the term "dooced". Many of us old-timers were readers - and we paid close attention to her cautionary tale - when we weren't desperately hiding our blogs and sniggering at her hilarious anecdotes about her workplace.

Back in the mists of time (say around 2003) I used to know who was on the mommyblogging "A" list because - frankly - there were not a whole lot of us mommies out there. Blogging was pretty new - blogging mommies even more so - and we were broiled regularly by trolls for even talking about our kids on the evil interwebs.

Blogging was still an unusual pastime and it certainly wasn't the profit center it is these days. There was no blogging software solution - if we blogged it was often tedious, hand-edited and persnickety. Blogging in the dinosaur days was a labour of love - or at least it was our last ditch effort to find other moms out there and stay sane by oversharing.

So, anyway, I asked on Twitter:

Keep hearing about the "A-list mommybloggers". Who would *YOU* put on that list (aside from Dooce)? Why? Traffic? Content? Popularity? Guts? (source)

Part of my asking is the insane quagmire that mommyblogging has become in recent years.

Maybe it's because I stepped out of blogging while divorcing my Ex. Once I wandered back in to the blogging world the change in the "voices" of mothers on the web was shocking.

Side note: Mommybloggers take note - because statistically speaking 50% of you will face the specter of divorce at one time or another over the course of your marriage.
This is the voice of experience talking.
Your blog - out there and visible to your Ex and his lawyer? That's enough to give your legal counsel a major migraine.
Be careful - or better yet - take a break until everything is in writing.

When I came back to the blogging world everything in the mommyblog world was covered in advertising. And product endorsements. And reviews for freebie samples. And giveaways. And pushing "networks".

And there was no content any more. No craft.

There was no longer a discussion of issues, no dialogue in comments, no exchange of ideas or bantering of aspects the original poster hadn't considered. Nobody crafted their content - they just pushed something, anything out as fast as they could. Sheer volume instead of quality.

Like N lamented on Becoming Something - commenting and links were almost a commercial exchange, not an indication of interest.

The only comments I could find were made to enter a draw for free stuff. Nobody just dropped by to say "hi" or ask how the kids were - or to talk to the blogger as if they were a real person.

It was like moving from a diet of meat - to a diet of pure sugar. Like seeing your home town become a casino overnight.

It made me sad. The community was gone - or at least buried under a whole new breed.

My old-school "A" List Mommybloggers would offer content that fed my mind, heart and soul. They were filled with ideas and situations that challenged me, taught me, inspired me... made me laugh, and sometimes made me cry.

There's very few blogs that do that now - and I want to find the good blogs again. So how about you? Who's on your "A" list? Why? What makes them the best?

Happy birthday to my sister!

It was my sister's birthday today, and the kids and Matt and I threw here a BBQ party.

The kids helped make tissue paper flowers and hang streamers. We couldn't use balloons (she's allergic to latex) so we used these cute star-shaped boxes I found at a dollar store to make a decorative mobile.

 There was lots of good food, lots of fruit including white nectarines - so good and SO addictive! M is a great BBQ chef and made some fantastic steaks. My sister brought her homemade baby potato salad. We also had some gluten/egg free desserts which were surprisingly good (and the cupcakes were adorable!).

Happy birthday baby sister!

Beehive Tea Cozy

I finished the beehive tea cozy for my sister`s birthday gift... and just in time!

This beehive design `theme`was inspired the beehive hat I spotted in "Stitch 'n' Bitch Nation" (great book!).

The tea cozy is knit on the round, then with each side panel worked separately until after the spout/handle openings - then worked in the round again to the top.

The liner is also worked in the round in the same way as the shell.

There`s also a ribbed edge at the bottom of the cozy (see photo left) to wrap around the bottom of a small teapot (say a 4-6 cup Brown Betty) or to extend the cozy on a larger teapot (a tall bone china model).

The tea cozy is accented with bee shaped buttons in two sizes - about 1 inch and .5 inches long. There were a couple choices of bee buttons at my local quilting store - these charming little stylized bees or a more realistic looking bee, antennas and all.

To be honest, the realistic bee buttons were a little creepy and wigged me out a bit (so not a bug fan!), so I went with these cute stylized ones.

This tea cozy is fluffy enough to keep my sister`s tea warm for hours. I use polyester fiberfill to stuff my tea cozies... and I knit with an acrylic yarn for all my tea cozies - so they are washable.

Phoenix bag

I have almost finished the `Phoenix bag`project - a laptop bag project for a single mom friend. I need to finish the seams and half of the handle and it`s done!

My single mom friend asked for a `funky`bag that she could carry when traveling. Anything BUT purple. I chose reds and oranges - and found some great spendy yarns on sale at my local yarn store (LYS) for a great price. I love the warm colours of this bag... they remind me of a Phoenix bird - and a Phoenix is a very appropriate image for this single mom friend.

The bag is made from a combination of yarns:

• Opus merino/aloe vera/jojoba `slub`style yarn (orange colour `400`)
• merino `feathers` for the furry trim - a lightweight kettle dyed novelty yarn in red shades - combinde with a cotton in orange (still lots of this left, need to find another project for this yarn)
• orange cotton
• burgundy and red acrylic

The bag is stitched on the round (for the body of the bag) with an extended flap on one side that folds back on itself to line the flap.

The bag is stitched in stocking stitch, seed stitch, a 2x5 rib, and a bit of garter stitch.

The pieces are (clockwise from top):

• the bag itself (folded in thirds)
• the bag handle (spool knitting by the kids)
• a cellphone pocket that will be removable

(I mentioned this project previously as one of the things that make mommy happy).

I loved the feel of the Opus yarn, it is so incredibly soft and the colour was gorgeous (and I am not a fan of oranges normally) - but it did shed quite a bit and the airborne fibers with the added oils were a bit irritating to my family of allergy sufferers - so if you have allergies, I`d suggest a good stiff breeze while knitting with this stuff.

It`s hard to let go of a gorgeous object like this one, but I know she`ll love it - and use it.

How to wrap (not Rap) like Martha

I am the first person to admit that I am not domestic. I am, however, unnaturally fond of wrapping gifts in creative ways - which I believe is something that Martha Stewart has done, on occasion. ;-) 

The daughter of my darling friend Trish (@designfiend) is getting married next weekend. I keep insisting that @designfiend must have had her babies when she was a practically a baby herself. This is mainly due to the fact that I am in deep denial that my friends and I are of a certain age and approaching a time when we could technically be grandmothers. I just HAD my kids. We are not old. Spring chicks.

Maybe if I keep saying it enough it will be true.

So @designfiend's gorgeous daughter bravely invited not only M and I to her wedding, but my darling children, too. 

While shopping for itty bitty little girl formal dresses I found a gorgeous purple satin-and-tulle number (only $40!) for my little girl. My daughter is of the age when her design ideas center around anything resembling a ballerina's performance wardrobe; tutus, tiaras and tulle.

I also found an adorable satin evening purse for my daughter at a dollar store - not that I normally shop at dollar stores for evening wear, but it was a cheap opportunity I couldn't refuse.

My little girl is just thrilled with her outfit - so thrilled she has to be physically restrained from wearing it every day.

Shopping for diminutive suits is also a lot of fun. My little boy has insisted that he does NOT want a tuxedo (he wore one for a wedding two years ago, charming everyone, but evidently he found it a traumatic experience).

"I want to look like James Bond" he insisted - but with a bow tie. The tie pictured will not do - he really wants a bow tie.

So M and I are off this afternoon to scour the city for a little boy size bow tie.

I'm not sure where my son's preference for a bow tie came from, but couple that with his chess skills... and genetic predisposition toward glasses... and I think I may need to sign him up for karate lessons. Soon.

While shopping for our togs is fun, my favourite part of preparing to be a wedding guest is wrapping the gifts.

Our gifts for this bride have had a very domestic theme - for her bridal shower we gave her a big basket filled with towels, bathroom accessories and some facecloths I knitted.

The wedding gift is also some textiles and accessories - as well as a gift card.

---

How to wrap (not Rap) like Martha

Materials:

• 1 heavy, large circumference vase
• 6 long-handled wooden spoons
• more long-handled utensils (if desired)
• 4 tea towels in "flower" colour
• 4 pillow cases in "flower" colour
• 2 pillow cases in "leaves" colour
• 1 roll of basket wrap
• tissue paper
• ribbon
• scissors
• card spike (from florist)
• gift card

Line the vase with one of the "leaf" colour pillow cases.

Leave at least two corners of the pillow case draped over the vase edge for use later.

Fill the inside of the pillowcase lining the vase with crumpled up tissue paper.

Place the labels from the tea towels, wooden spoons and pillow cases in the center with the crumpled up tissue paper (for the bride and groom to refer to after opening the gift). Ensure that the labels and tissue paper are pushed to the bottom half of the vase.

Fold the second "leaf" colour pillow case.

Arrange the pillow case on the diagonal on a table in front of you. Fold the pillow case in an accordion fold from one corner to the opposite diagonal corner.

Tie ribbon around the center of the folded pillow case. Curl the ribbon ends.

Spread out the corners of the pillow case to resemble leaves.

Set "leaves" aside.

 Fold one of the tea towels or two of the pillow cases length-wise.

Fold one of the tea towels or two of the pillow cases length-wise again.

Place one of the wooden spoons off-center on the tea towel.

Fold the cloth to the side, over the spoon.

Continue to roll the cloth around the spoon until you get to the end of the cloth.

Experiment with the off-center placement of the spoon inside the roll until you get the ends of the rolled up "flower" on opposite sides (see picture). It is important that the ends not bunch together on one side of the "flower".

Tie off with ribbon, curl the ribbon ends.

Spread out the "petals" of the flower - the ends of the tea towel or pillow case - to make the flower.

Experiment with pulling the towel and spreading the flower open.

Fold some of the petals down over the ribbon tied around the flower.

Place the finished "flowers" in the vase wooden spoon handle down. Experiment with the placement of the flowers until you are happy with the layout.

Use the crumpled up tissue to stabilize the "stems" of the flowers by adding more tissue in the bottom of the vase, if necessary.

Insert the "leaves" into the bouquet, securing them with ribbon to the "stem" of one of the "flowers". Spread out the leaves.

Add additional curled ribbon to some of the "stems" of the "flowers" so the ribbon drapes out of the bouquet.

If there are additional utensils, insert the additional utensils - handle side down - into the "bouquet".

Wrap a square of gift basket wrap around the vase and secure with ribbon.

Insert the card and gift card (if desired) into the bouquet (also I recommend taping a ribbon to the back of the card and securing it to one of the flowers so the card doesn't get lost).

Admire your work!

But she's the healthy one!

The kids are still out of town, at my parent's orchard. I got a call today from my mom, she took my youngest (daughter) in to the local hospital ER because she's been sick for a few days.

She's had a weird cyclical fever. Up for a couple hours and she was a sick little girl... then normal and she was perky. Mom was attributing the fever and behavior to homesickness and an emotional little girl missing her mommy and M.

I did caution Mom that I just tested positive for Strep and needed antibiotics - so I asked my mom to keep an eye on the fever and if it continued... tell any Dr. they see that my daughter has been exposed - and get her on antibiotics.

Well, a couple days later it turns out that indeed yes, my daughter also has Strep... but there's something more concerning as well. The ER Dr. told my mom that he could hear a significant heart murmur and that we need to have it checked ASAP.

Now, normally I wouldn't panic much about a murmur... I know enough about cardiac health to know that there's a baker's dozen of completely benign heart murmurs out there. My son was born with a couple heart issues - this wasn't new to me. I also know that Strep can be associated with heart issues. I also learned a great deal more about cardiology less than a year ago because my son wore a heart monitor to school for a month to rule out another heart issue.

Plus on the "M" Zen Daddy side of things... M's niece has had open heart surgery.Twice. She's a heart kiddo.

So... yeah. We know hearts, we've done the heart thing.

My daughter was checked for cardiac issues both in utero and at birth by a Perinatologist and a Pediatric Cardiologist. She was given a clean bill of health - no sign of the congenital cardiac issues or any other issues. The doctors basically pronounced her healthy and stated that it sure looked like my new little girl lucked out in the genetic lottery.

The problem is - I thought this baby was safe. I did not expect to be sideswiped by this from that particular child. She's the healthy one! It isn't supposed to happen this way - I don't panic when my son gets sick - mostly because I know I have to deal first and I can fall apart later when it's not an emergency. I've had practice with him... but not with her. It's not that I care differently about them or any sickness - I just wasn't prepared for this.

I guess that's the essence of parenthood, isn't it? It isn't the problems that you anticipate that get you, it's the sneaky problems that come out of nowhere and lay you out flat wondering what hit you.

I thought she was safe, and now I'm left wondering - and trying to not be emotional because my baby! Is far away! And sick! And needs me! And it could be bad! And it's my baby!

I'll put in a call tomorrow morning to our Pediatrician and get a stat referral for tests from the Cardiology Clinic at the local kid's hospital.

You better believe I am thanking my lucky stars right now that we have a Pediatrician... and a Pediatric Cardiologist... and a kid's hospital.

And I will cross every finger and toe I have - and light enough candles to light New York City for a month if I have to - to ensure that this is all just a great big silly misunderstanding and my "healthy" child is indeed my healthy child.

My neck needs a postal code

M and I just got back from our annual car trip to deliver my babies to their grandparent's orchard - so the kids could spend a few weeks running wild on acres of apple orchards hunting for field mice, sneaking unripe cherries and generally being spoiled rotten by my family.

This was supposed to be a couple child-free weeks for M and I (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). We are still temporarily child-free - just not quite in the way we were planning.

I woke up Thursday morning with a fever for the third day in a row, and with a new dizzy, drunken swagger (sadly, no "momtinis" were involved) and I had no neck. My neck was so swollen I looked like a frog. My lymph nodes were very, very annoyed with me, and they were now big enough to need their own postal code. It hurt... a lot. M laid down the law, enough was enough, he said (backing away fearfully from my neck of doom). It was off to the doctor for me. Period.

I've had a nasty cold for weeks that wouldn't go away. Cough, fever, and then a Pancreatic flare-up - which is usually my early warning system letting me know that some nasty bug is busy setting up housekeeping - and I'd better pay attention. But... like most moms, I don't pay a lot of attention when I'm sick... and like most moms I know I should.

M has been a major trooper putting up with sick kids and then a sick me for the past few weeks... but he was right, it was time for a forcible eviction.

After an emergency trip to the Clinic, an unplanned but very appreciated lie down on an exam table when I tried passing out in Reception (which, BTW, is a great way to annoy other patients while you jump the queue ahead of them). Thankfully I looked pretty sick so nobody said much, most continued glaring at their wait-your turn numbered slips and muttering. I had some guilt for getting to lie down. Mostly.

After a poke at my massive neck, a brief debate about a chest film, a throat swab and some "hmmmming" the Dr. asked me to watch his finger, just moving my eyes, while he waved it around. I nearly fell off the exam table and threw up on his shoes.

I am so sexy.

The Dr. prescribed a medication for the dizzyness (Betahistine) and a nice big course of antibiotics. I triumphantly declared myself to be the anti-Biotic Woman. Nobody else thought it was funny.

M now has me quarantined at home probably for the rest of the week. I wish I felt better and could enjoy napping and relaxing in bed... or spending my time in bed celebrating a couple child-free weeks like we should be.

On the plus side I finished lots of knitting on the trip there and back, and there were some interesting locally-produced yarns I found back in orchard country that I brought back. One yarn is from a local farm, spun at the farm and sold labelled "goat". That's it. Just "goat".

It's adorable.

I highly recommend bedrest for a couple days. After that it gets old. You'll also probably want to avoid the neck of doom and throwing up on everyone's shoes. Most people aren't very fond of that.

On not "raising my own kids"

If there's one phrase, one concept, one prejudice out there guaranteed to annoy me to the point where I'm almost chewing my own arms off in frustration... it's the idea that working parents aren't "raising their own kids".

"When you're raising children, you don't both go off to work and leave them for somebody else to raise." "This is not a statement against daycare. It's a statement about their belief in the importance of raising children properly."   Iris Evans, Alberta finance minister

It drives me bananas to hear anyone stating that a parent who isn't a stay-at-home parent is inferior and is not raising their children "properly" - especially if they're also claiming that due to the sheer audacity of actually working you have now reduced yourself to not "raising your own kids".

To hear statements like that come from a Finance Minister who was supposed to address the topic of  teaching children about financial responsibility and fiscal knowledge (like, oh, say, girls maintaining their own financial resources by working...?).

Well.

It's appalling, yes - but not surprising.

It takes a village

The argument that working parents are not "raising their own children" has never seemed logical to me. Some random questions I've wondered...

• Where did we first get the idea that raising a child is only a one person task? It certainly isn't from an anthropological/evolutionary basis (that stance would dictate a "tribe" of caretakers)
• Where is the border between not "raising" your child and "raising" them? When do parenting efforts become negated? How much time erases any "raising"? Does one hour "away" from your children negate it all?
• If "raising" a child is only one-to-one time with a parent - then is the job of "raising" a child done once they begin to spend any time with other people? Is "raising a child" transferable depending on who is spending time with a child?
• What about school - are we their parents while they're at school and not with us? Are teachers "raising" our children, too? After all, over the entire course of childhood teachers spend more time with our kids than early childcare providers do. Why isn't this argument made against sending our children to school?
• If we uphold that working mothers aren't "raising" their children because they are not with their children 24/7 - then why aren't we saying that fathers who also work out of the home or spend any time away are also NOT "raising" their children? If not, then why do fathers get time away with no negative impact, but mothers do not?
• are you still "raising" your child when your child is on a sleep-over? At camp? In the hospital? At a co-parent's house? If working isn't "raising" your child because you're not  with them - how can you still be "raising" them when they're not with you for other reasons?

My belief is that raising a child is the management of ALL of that child's influences, environments, exposures, lessons and morals through their growing years in their community - not just with me.

I admit it, I am fully a "it takes a village to raise a child" mom.

My kids are surrounded by loving, trusted adults every single day. Our "family" is huge. I welcome almost everyone - and their input - even if their input sometimes contradicts what I've been teaching, it opens a discussion for my kids and I - and that's how we all learn.

My village - my family - also includes our childcare provider.

I believe that my children learn invaluable lessons from our day home provider. I know that my kids get complimented everywhere we go because of their behaviour with even the smallest of babies - and it's entirely due to the fact that they spend time in a home with lots of kids of all ages. My kids get the benefit of living in a large family (day home) with all varieties of "siblings"... and they also get the benefit of individualized attention and a small family at home.

Who determined that parental care is always superior to professional care?

My childcare provider has a lot of superior aspects that she offers compared to what I would offer if I cared for my kids at home by myself.

I do not have the craft, toy and activity supplies my day home provider has. She has a garage filled with Rubbermaid totes of different "play centers" and "themes" that she rotates. I could not afford that amount of equipment - let alone find the room to store it. She has a swimming pool and she's a former lifeguard and she teaches the kids swimming in the summer - I take my kids swimming on weekends - but not every single day. She bakes - and I don't. She has a garden - and I kill plants no matter how hard I try to care for them. My kids try new foods at her home, they see different routines, values and  traditions than we have here. My daycare provider has loving, trustworthy young adult children who spend time with the little kids - offering my kids a great mentoring opportunity that I can't offer myself.

My kids also get the benefit of spending their day with other kids so they learn about modifying their behaviour for all ages and they learn about sharing, taking turns, compassion, empathy, generosity and they learn how to be mentors and heroes themselves.

IMHO raising a child is an inclusive lifestyle, not an exclusive one - we welcome the world in, we don't shut them out. We cannot exclude others from having influence unless we wall ourselves and our kids in to a cave. Learning to live in the world, to incorporate and evaluate our community influences and establish themselves as persons with their own ideas and morals in a varied community is the entire point of raising my children.

Parenting marathon

Raising a child also changes over time, which is a reality that is woefully absent in comments about how to parent "properly". Why do critics insist on myopically focusing on a small time frame - infancy - as the determining framework for an entire parenting career? A common argument supporting mothers as sole and constant, endless care provider is that mothers are ALL "designed" to care for children - forever - because they carried them when pregnant - or because they breastfeed the child as an infant.

I've always wondered how is the ability to breastfeed relevant when you're now raising a preteen - wouldn't the parent's temperament, skill set and a million other factors be more important?

Properly speaking

I guess I'll never measure up to Iris's image of "proper" parenting - and I don't think I'd want to. I want my parenting to be responsive, dynamic, inclusive and varied. I don't want to adhere to a narrow standard that is available only to a privileged few. I'd rather evaluate child care by it's result than by a personal moral stance.

I don't see a problem with any kind of child care with a positive outcome - for everyone. If the child's welfare is the guiding goal and desired outcome of any child care arrangement - and the child is happy and healthy... it might not be "proper", but that doesn't make it wrong.

Happy Fathers Day

We started out this morning with breakfast in bed for the two dads in this house... M and my Dad. Happy Fathers Day to all my single mom friends... And to all the Dads out there.

Things That Make Mommy Happy

"It's so important to make Mommy happy. Just make one Mommy happy... make Mommy happy, and you will be happy, too." That's how the song goes... isn't it?

Things that made me happy in the last few days:

1) My new PDA. Sooo lovely. My first PDA. I feel spoiled and very loved that M made this all possible. My favourite features so far:

• the weather report is adorable - animated reports for all my friends on the interweb... and the little windshield wiper animation that clears the screen of digital raindrops when the weather report is for rain... makes a rainy day something to look forward to.
• great games - including two games -out of the box - that my little-ish kids can play and enjoy. THIS IS A VERY VITAL FEATURE in a phone or PDA for single or busy moms with bored kids. I don't know HOW many times I've distracted them with my phone. The best game so far is a tilt-the-marble into the box game that has live feedback (the phone "bumps" with the marble) and takes advantage of the PDA's positional sensor. I'll have to videotape it to show you.
• YouTube and Opera - Eddie Izzard videos everywhere I go - so at least I can laugh while living life in the frantic lane.
• touch interface. So cool. Also pretty.
• Microsoft Mobile. I know what all the iPhone users will respond with. But I do have to work, too, and MS is necessary for work.

2) Knitting group with friends. Lots of yarny projects. And lots of yarns. Ha.
We're still not sure what to call ourselves, the kids would be scandalized by the traditional knitting group of women name "Stitch n' B*tch" so the discussion continues. The half-joking nickname of "the Coven" has come up - it refers to some -er- social difficulties we've had due to our single parent status in our... traditional and conservative local environment.

3) Momtinis and friends. This week's knitting group Momtini was Arbour Mist Exotic Fruits White Zinfandel wine and Fresca, garnished with an orange... and a drinking straw cut in half (because I'm too absent-minded to remember to buy cocktail straws. Bad hostess. LOL)

I'm not saying we're cheap dates - or that single mommies love cheap hooch... but we're all on a budget, and a celebratory drink that is affordable is very much appreciated by parents of limited means.

4) A bead necklace from my youngest - re-strung on elastomer instead of plain old yarn. The yarn died. Poor yarn. I feel loved wearing it because of how loved it makes me feel - and because of how loved my kids feel when they see me wearing items they've made.

5) A new knitting project - a laptop bag for a single mom friend - using some new yarns I recently purchased including a hand spun merino wool/aloe vera combination slub yarn (soooo lovely to touch!) and a kettle dyed merino wool "feather" novelty yarn plus some lovely cotton combo yarns. It will be a combination of red and orange tones - and reminds me of a pheonix.

A pheonix is a very fitting image for for the single mom friend I'm designing this for, who also...

6) ...just started blogging.

The more sucessful single moms voices out there blogging, the better, I say!

Full Circle Fur Baby

The kitten, now almost 10 months old.
She is a "Torbie" (tabby/tortoiseshell cross).

I'll never give birth to more than two children (hopefully we won't inherit any either, as that would only be due to a disaster, and we don't want that to happen).

After multiple early miscarriages, two pregnancies with life-threatening complications (HELLP & a DVT and PE) and two later pregnancy losses that were also life threatening... we're done playing reproduction roulette. Absolutely. Done.

I think the hardest pregnancy loss was the last one - a complete, unplanned surprise - but a nice surprise. We saw the baby waving at us at the ultrasound scan - just over a day before we lost the baby.

Months later when we decided to adopt the kitten at Christmas I didn't even think about her age - but a while later I was going through her paperwork from the store - and there it was. The kitten's birth certificate.

Her birthday was the same day the baby would have been due.

Now... while my kitten certainly isn't another child - and doesn't replace another child, I know that to me this seems like there is a plan in the universe. There was a young soul waiting, who needed us. Needed a family.

And that's enough.

My Knitting Bag Runneth Over

My knitting bag runneth over. My yarn stash is taking over the house. I'm collecting more needles than a hospital. I need to finish something soon. A sample of the current projects in my knitting bag:

A camouflage hoodie sweater for my son for the start of the next school year. I'm still working on the back panel. This is the first real garment I've worked on and there's lots of new things I'm learning while working through it. Like how MUCH knitting and yarn a full garment requires (how do people afford exotic yarn garments?)

My son is enjoying watching his sweater take shape and offering lots of encouragement like: "Isn't it done YET?"

I'm also working on a whole stack of cotton dishcloths. I have two huge (!) balls of cotton kitchen yarn to use up. One ball of yarn is a tan/green/ivory mix (below) and the other is a light beige/ivory/yellow mix. I've already made up six dishcloths - four went to a friend bride-to-be, two went to some single mom friends. More are on their way for more friends.

I love knitting these things on bamboo needles - it feels very organic and environmentally enlightened and green-righteous. Maybe I should consider it Karmic payback for all the acrylic kids' hats I've been cranking out.

Today I've got new projects to add to the project list, mainly because I got sucked into a craft store and spent far too long in the knitting section. Again.

• my very first pair of socks (bought some cute! self-striping wool today). I'm completely annoyed by double pointed needles (DPNs) because they slip out of my work constantly. I've purchased some DPN bamboo needles to see if that will help. Otherwise socks may defeat me.
• a pair of legwarmers for my daughter (more self-striping yarn, cotton this time)
• a three jewel tone colour scarf knit in a gorgeous silk/bamboo yarn that I can't stop touching

Next week - the first meeting of the single moms knitting group. We're tossing around lots of name ideas but haven't decided on any yet. We bought the kids some knitting project supplies today and I think the kids are looking forward to it more than the grownups.

Well, not really.

Iris "Art Object" Bag, Dahling

*** Oooh look! Pretty! New stuff! Project thumbnail images over there ------------->

One particular friend - who works in a vuheeeery aaaarrrrrtsy visual field, dahling - asked me if I could knit her a mid-sized bag to wear across her body (diagonally) that was "artistic, funky, cool". So I started designing one for her a couple weeks ago. Here's where I am... so far.

I started with the colour palette of jewel toned yarn in royal purple/teal/hot pink, a set of circular needles, some pony beads and some rudimentary knitting knowledge (six months of knitting experience, so far). I planned on a variety of textured stitching, an abstract colour pattern, some bead embellishments and fushia lining and embroidery.

Since the week I started this bag was the week the Irises began blooming here and the bag featured similar colours - I've dubbed this the "Iris Bag".

Here's a view of the back of the bag looking toward the top of the bag (where the knitting needle is still holding stitches) and with the top flap open and upside down.
It's an abstract colour pattern combined with abstract texture changes (knit vs purl).

Here's the lining, in hot pink stocking stitch. That colour was a nice work out for my retinas.

Here's the bag structure - it's one long continuous tube, knit with circular needles (seamless). To turn it into a bag you telescope one section inside another, extend one side to make the flap lining and then fold the the flap over over the lining. There's a seam at the bottom, at the top (where the end of the flap meets the top of the bag), at the top front (lining meets bag exterior) and along the sides of the flap.

More to come...

Working Moms Don't Balance

I commented on Momversation - in response to the video post "Are You a Stressed Working Mom?" (below).

Missing the "Target"... again

There were a couple things that bothered me about the Momversation video "Are You a Stressed Working Mom" - and I'm not alone.

The first issue (beyond a knee jerk "DUH" reaction) was that the panelists commenting on this issue are not typical working moms - they work from home and they work at what they love. Daphne acknowledged this issue by saying "We're not talking about real work". Yay for Daphne and her sensitivity to this issue... but unfortunately... misconceptions and a lack of experience in a typical, standard, normal working mother's schedule influence many of the other responses from panelist members.

Secondly, there's also a disturbing a defensive tone to the posts - "I work because I have to". Many of the responders seem to feel a need to apologize that they can't give up working. Why, for the love of Pete, can't we move past defending ourselves about working and parenting? Why should we even have to defend it to anyone? Why is even questioning any mother's working status even considered acceptable behaviour? We don't need to apologize, we aren't doing anything wrong by working.

Maggie responded to the idea of working with "I'm not cut out for that" - as if working is something you do if you're different, or it's a choice but not a need. Why do we continue to regard working as a choice or as unusual or a deviation from normal instead of a simple necessity for almost all adults?

Third, the assumption that working moms are miserable, stressed, scattered and that we all live like we're two-dimensional characters on television was also irritating. Where is Momversation getting their information - or rather their perceptions - from? TV? Blogs that are selling "balance" solutions or yoga or organizational programs?

C'mon Momversation, step away from the Target Moms "Lisa, Tara, Jodie, and Emily" (yeeech) and take a look at real moms with real lives. Either cover working mom topics with a reasonable amount of depth and respect - or don't.

About "balance"

Most of the working moms I know of gave up on the faulty idea of "balance" almost immediately. We aren't jugglers, we prioritize and compromise. We stay flexible.

I've been a F/T working single mom for years (recently not so single).

Kudos for noting that working from home as a blogger is worlds away from what the vast majority of working mothers deal with. I don't think it's entirely fair to represent working moms with work-at-home bloggers - most working moms do NOT enjoy that kind of flexibility, do-what-you-love fulfillment or work at home benefits. Most working moms have issues that weren't even touched on here.

What have I done to survive (these might not work for everyone - but can't hurt):

SHARE

The BEST thing I ever did was invite all the OTHER working, single moms (like there's any other kind) in my area to pool our resources and help each other out. We have an after-school/babysitting pool, we share unwanted gift certificates & coupons, we have a "night out" together so our kids are supervised and we have a social outlet with people who understand our realities.

Set up a clothing exchange and toy exchange with other moms. Offer to shop for other moms if you see a bargin or they can't squeeze it in.

Ask a SAHM if she'll help out (emergency child care?).

Ask relatives if they can provide before or after school care, summer care, or other support.

Find a reliable babysitter, or two and treasure them. Ask a single friend to babysit (best birth control ever - even if they LOVE your kids!) Let go of the idea that only mommy can care for the kids. Embrace the community that can be trusted and may enrich your child's life.

MAKE THE KIDS WORK

A three year old can make their bed - not very well, but it's a start. Train your kids to understand that everyone pitches in with chores, even if the results won't pass Martha standards. Adjust your standards and be happy with good enough house cleaning. In the grand scheme of things if it's healthy but not perfect - that's good enough.

PRIORITIZE

Don't waste time on things that don't matter to you (I don't watch TV, for example).

Feed all aspects of your kids and yourself first: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

Find a workplace that meets your needs. USE LEVERAGE - nice girls don't stay quiet they ASK FOR and GET what they NEED at work. Always shop for better jobs. Do everything you can to create flexible options at work.

Don't waste - cut back or eliminate TV, junk food, junk time or time wasting hobbies. Concentrate on your nearest and dearest.

Take multivitamins and eat well. SLEEP before ANYTHING else. Recognize that advice to indulge in a formal exercise program is usually coming from people who don't understand how time squeezed working moms REALLY are (in reality I don't know of any  working mom friend who has time for a formal "workout" aside from a working mom who is actually a fitness professional). Instead of trying to hit a gym - create fitness activities in your life - ditch the car for local errands and walk. Take the kids swimming every week. Try to get your hands on a jogging stroller or some bikes for all of you (second hand? auctions?). Coach a kids' team.

SUPPORT

Create a social event with other like-minded moms and MAKE time for it to feed your soul.

You are NOT ALONE. Realize that while you feel alone you're actually in the MAJORITY. We're all so busy we forget to look up from our lives and find and support each other. You may not hear voices like yours - but it's usually because we're too busy to share.

IGNORE CRITICS

Realize that most people who criticize are doing it from a place of privilege and have NO IDEA. None of us can change their minds, we can just be amazing at being working moms. If you're not doing it perfectly SO WHAT? Any artist will tell you that mistakes lead to some of the greatest discoveries or lessons there are. Accept happy accidents and imperfections, they may be the best gift you get.

Teal "Posy" bag

I was experimenting with little purse designs - knit hats aren't really in demand now that Spring has arrived (at least it's theoretically arrived). My daughter asked for a bag with flowers on it. Crocheted flowers.

I'm a complete moron at crochet, so I flubbed my way through some leaves and droopy flowers "Make them droooopy mom, like this..." (as she dramatically drapes herself on the couch).

The bag is knit completely on the round (circular needles) in stocking stitch, with a seam at the bottom (with tucks) and a seam on one side of the handle. I think for the next bag I will  seam it in the top/middle of the handle instead. Like the pink bobble bag. Live & learn.

I love the combination of teal and the various pinks. The bag turned out nicer than I hoped - my daughter was thrilled - and a couple other little girls have asked for Posy bags, so I guess it's a success.

A little bear - flush with cash - all ready for a trip with his favourite girl. Okay, maybe not flush with cash, it is just a dollar. And it is Canadian money. Worth about what - $0.25 US?

Pink Bobble Bag

Another knitted bag project - two pink colour variations - with knitted bobbles for trim. Knit on circular needles, in stocking stitch. This is the first time I've tried knitting bobbles. I think they're adorable.

The shoulder strap has a seam in the center and there are tucks at the bottom seam to create a nice flat side.

The shoulder strap is in stocking stitch, so it curls in on itself nicely. The bag is unlined.

I'm pretty happy with the bag and I'll be using it as a basic design for a few little girl bags over the next few months.

Catching up. Catch all? Ketchup?

Well, I'm finally catching up after a couple weeks of non-stop action. I realize that "non-stop action" makes the last couple weeks sound much more appealing and exciting than they really were. By action I mean traipsing back and forth to the hospital, cleaning up vomit and kitten poop (she HAD to contribute!) and cuddling sick kids. Other exciting action:

• dealing with the virus that tried to maim our family
• recovering from the virus that tried to maim our family
• noticing the house kinda fell apart while the virus ruled supreme
• falling into bed and ignoring the house of virus for another night
• waking up cranky because no magical cleaning fairy visited while I slept
• coffee = all better!

Everybody's recovering nicely from the virus, my daughter's Asthma is back under good control. My son just had a mild cold and the Zen Master simply willed the germs out of his body (actually he got sick - stoically sick - too, but he prefers the Zen Master version). I'm still struggling but well medicated - just not with the fun medicines. Things are improving nicely.

The Art Goes On

As always, the art goes on in our house, come famine, flood or 'flu. Last week's "Friday photo" from work is one of the newest additions to my proud mommy bulletin board. Centered riiiiiiiight over my desk at work.

Yes, I'm one of those annoyingly proud moms at work and I decorate my office with the sometimes incomprehensible scribbles my kids crank out. It makes my kids happy and it gives people who visit my office something to desperately stare at while I talk with my hands.

This particular piece is two trees, vines and a monkey flanking a lovely Beavelesaurus specimen. "He's half beaver, half elephant, and half Stegosaurus."

Yes, I know, three halves.
Her math skills will make her a fine Canadian politician some day. So proud.

Knitting Update

Much knitting has been going on... unfortunately not a lot of taking photographs of said knitting has been going on. I made a small stack of dishcloths to give away to a bride-to-be last weekend. Since I'm making stacks more for friends I figured I could take photos later.

I'm almost finished the art piece/purse for Monica - I like to call it the Iris bag, the colours remind me of irises in full bloom. Photos to come.

If Ever There was a Reason to Say SQUEEE!

M came home with a present for me. For me!

Adobe CS4 - Design Premium. Don't hate me because it's beautiful. I've lusted after a home copy for years (ever since my previous Adobe software became obsolete - and it was purchased in the 90s!).

I haven't loaded it on to my machine yet.

Yet.

I just like to look at it.

So happy.

(...and no, this isn't a product endorsement or a free sample I was asked to review. If and/or when I review products on my blog it's because I actually like them and use them and I've most likely paid for them myself.)

Hospital 2 - Family 0

We've had a couple of busy and heavily medicated weeks at Casa Momartfully.

Last week I ended up in the hospital due to a nasty virus that triggered an even nastier Asthma attack.

Then this week my daughter ended up in the hospital with an Asthma attack.

Waiting in ER to see if my dauther's lastest Ventolin treatment will work... knitting away so I don't climb the walls.

So thankful for doctors, medicine, having a kid-friendly hospital, knitting to keep me sane... and Treehouse TV this week.

Little Girl's Rainbow Bag

Just finished a few hand-knit bags for girls (some little, a couple grown up) over the past week, and I will be posting them in the next few days (I've been recovering from a nasty cold and trip to the hospital, and the enforced inactivity/recovery has increased my knitting output lately).

First, the Rainbow Bag, made for a friend of my son's, knit on the round, in acrylic (so it's washable). She absolutely LOVES it. The handle is long enough to sit under her arm or as a nice little handbag/clutch. I made it big enough for little girl essentials (lip gloss, Kleenex and a Barbie wallet) without being too big for the little girl. It's about 8 inches wide.

The body of the purse is stocking stitch, the top flap is in garter stitch - with smaller stripes. The handle is also stocking stitch, curled in on itself. There's also a flat insert at the bottom of the bag and darts on either side.

The toggle closure - with a stitched buttonhole (I made it as sturdy as possible).

A view of the inside of the purse - underside of the top flap. It was knit on the round, the flap is a double-length extension, folded over and seamed on the underside. The front edge is stocking stitch curled on itself.

Dove Sleepover For Self Esteem

Some quick photos from our co-ed "Dove Sleepover For Self Esteem". 12 kids, a bunch of sleeping bags, lots of moms & "momtinis" and one Dad (M).

All the kids had their nails painted - including the boys, who preferred this "happy face" design.

Some of the girls relaxing while getting their facials and drying their nails.

All the perler bead crafts from the party.

The most popular makeover target was M - and I would show you photos of his divine eyeshadow and manicure (and bright red pedicure!) but he might be a bit mortified. But he is loved by all those kids who "helped" him.

Everyone had lots of fun and can't wait until next year's sleepover.

Dear Momversation, cut it out

Dear Momversation - cut it out. Seriously.

I know that as a company you would love to be all "down" with the moms on the web and squeeze us like the proverbial cash cow of consumerist goodness that you certainly hope we are... fair enough. You're just trying to make a living.

But enough is enough with posing like you totally "get" us. You're making moms look bad. It's embarassing. You look silly.

You really should be paying attention. Lots of moms are handing you advice - good advice - for free.

I even tried Tweeting to Momversation after watching the latest video and worrying that my eyes were going to end up permanently rolled into my skull. "Yes, @momversation, you sterotype moms. We aren't Oprah, ennui, cosmetic surgery or tortured over losing the gardener due to "sacrifices" . Maybe you should listen."
The lukewarm response from Momversation was: "Hi @momartfully We get our topics from our panelists & they talk about what matters to them... it's a jumping off point 4 talk."

Uhm? Thanks?

Why does almost every single Momversation "episode" leave me wondering what on earth that company is thinking... who are they trying to market to? I also wonder what kind of lives the panel  moms lead - their lives are completely different than what I see around me.

To help Momversation and other online communities for moms that I've often... endured... over the years I've prepared a list.

Real Life Moms

• I am not going to get plastic surgery for my "post baby" body. Ever. My partner loves me as I am, and while I may have floopy bits, so does he. That's perfectly fine. We aren't defined by our bodies and we aren't going to deny that we're getting older together.


• I do not employ any servants.


• Pregnancy and taking care of babies is only a very short time period in my mothering career. Can we please talk about the other years of raising children?


• My "me time" does not involve a "spa".


• My partner is excellent at caring for the kids on his own. I do not think he is inept or less equiped to parent than I am. He is outstanding at housework and helping me have time to myself.


• I don't watch TV. I read a lot and I would like to talk about books - just not the books that Oprah's minions have directed her to promote.


• I am not a stay-at-home mom and I do not have guilt. I love working and that doesn't make me hard, neglectful or weird. My kids are proud of me and are not harmed in any way by my career - just as they are not harmed in any way by my partner's career.


• I may be tired or distracted, but I'm not stupid. Please respect my intelligence.


• Half of all moms are not in traditional marriages, and I'm quite aware of that and would like to see a community that reflects that reality. Non-working stay-at-home moms are a minority and do not speak for all moms.


• I do not recreationally shop and I am not obsessed with shoes, purses or designer anything.


• I would like to talk about divorce, complications, health issues that affect our kids and us, abuse, job loss, mental illness, building a financial plan, professional development, community building, legal issues and other real life concerns. I will not ignore those topics because they're "hard", I like using my brain.


• I don't care how anyone else feeds their baby, as long as that baby gets fed.


• I do not care about celebrities. At all.


• Being a mom is not endless suffering. It isn't a trial. Lots of moms have it much, much worse than I do and I recognize that. Being a mother is not "the hardest job in the world". Being a mother is a privilege and an honour, something that we should strive to excel at and help others with. I am grateful to be a mother and not ashamed to say it.

Happy mother's day, everyone.

What dreams may come... like they'll actually SLEEP!

I'm hosting a sleep over for about a dozen girls, boys and some moms tomorrow. About a dozen people or so.

I'm not quite sure precisely how many will be here - it'll depend on how the kids react (for some of the littler ones it will be their first sleep away from home), and there's probably some who didn't RSVP but are planning on coming.

It doesn't really matter that we don't have a concrete number of guests - the more the merrier! When you reach a certain critical mass of guests, adding a few more doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. As Meagan Francis Tweeted to me tonight; "whenever my boys have a sleepover the other parents are like "are you SURE?" i say, what's one more pound to an elephant?". Since Meagan has a larger than average family she's a bit of an authority on entertaining crowds IMHO.

This sleep over party is part of the Canada-wide Dove Sleep Over For Self-Esteem. This is our family's second year of participating in the sleep over. The kids love this event.

Every year there's a self-esteem enhancing movie, lots of resources and even free PJs available. We'll be watching Ella Enchanted on YTV and requisite experts at the breaks talking about self esteem and self image, not such a bad thing, but they do tend to talk for a while...

We have a few of our own things planned as well;

• the girls requested mud masks & cucumber facials & pedicures
• the boys requested baking cookies with M
• most of the kids will be making Perler bead crafts
• probably a pillow fight or nine
• a morning-after Lego and Polly Pocket minefield to wade through
• a Momtini or ten

I heart the Dove "Real Beauty" campaign (and their videos, including this classic, "Evolution").

Good divorce - bad marriage

Momversation.com posted a video titled How Has Divorce Affected You?

In the midst of a sea of comments about how horrible divorce is, how damaging, how a healthy divorce is so rare... I posted a comment.

(Yes, it felt an awful lot like painting a gigantic target on my chest... but let's not get sidetracked...)

Like some of my other comments at Momversation.com - I expect at least one of these responses to be pulled. I get it, that website is driven by marketing dollars - not realistic and truthful stories - they want to present an image to an audience of young married mothers. That image is a carefully massaged one, positive, pretty, optimistic and hopefully in need of a lot of consumer goods from Target. (grin) Useful debate and real world advice isn't really wanted in that forum. I get it.

Still, I wanted to say it - because somewhere out there are at least a couple women who NEED to hear this... (and I'm a sucker for punishment!).  Momversation.com presents their website as a place for a conversation... and they're going to get it.

I know that *I* needed to hear this a few years ago. I didn't hear it, and it would have made a huge difference in my life, helped with my healing process and given me some peace about my choices;

I'm so HAPPY I'm divorced - it was the best decision of my life. Our standard of living is much higher, my children are happier and healthier, I am happy, productive, successful, loved and capable. I was careful to not put my kids in the middle but I did talk to them, and talk, and talk - in an appropriate, supportive way (see the "Divorce Care" and "Sandcastles" programs for more).

A marriage certificate wasn't going to compensate for an unhealthy marriage, and a divorce decree doesn't negate my now happy, healthy home. The paper doesn't matter, the reality does.

I don't dictate how others divorce - I have no right to. It's fantastic if you can live next to each other and co-parent intimately and have shared custody, but that's rare (about 15% of divorces). For others distance or sole custody (like myself) is the healthiest solution.

Anyone who reacts with "congratulations, you've ruined your child" is saying MUCH more about THEMSELVES than about you. The vast majority of negative reactions I've witnessed come directly out of fear the speaker has about their own marriage and issues, not mine. You can't win against prejudice.

The reality is that divorce happens for all sorts of reasons. A large part of the reason that it causes harm is not because of what happened in an specific divorce - but the prejudices, judgments, labels, expectations and attitudes of the rest of society about divorce. Like the label "broken home" indicating a single parent home - but not a married parent home.

Like Brett Butler used to say "My kids don't come from a broken home, when I got a divorce I FIXED IT."

One of the panelists (Giyen from Bacon is My Enemy) responded, "I definitely think that people cut their losses way to quickly and take the vows of marriage way to lightly."*

I responded with:

IMHO saying that divorce happens because it's the "easy" choice is misleading - and an insult to many who have divorced.

It may be popular to say that divorce is "easy" (especially with predominantly married audiences), but the truth is we have no idea what others go through in their divorces and we have no right to make global "pronouncements" about "all" divorces.

One panel member with a relatively healthy post-divorce situation doesn't make a majority.

In my experience with the dozens of divorced females in my group... divorce wasn't easy for a single one of us. For many of us it was the hardest, most harshly judged, alienating, poverty creating, lonely and socially unacceptable thing we've ever done. We still did it - often because we HAD to to save ourselves or to save our kids. It's often a harsh choice. As I thought at the time "I don't care if my church says I'll burn, my friends disappear or my family disowns me - I owe my children something better, and that's more important than anything else."

The reality is that staying married is often the easy choice, the socially acceptable, wealthier, less alienating choice - even if it hurts children more to grow up in a war zone than in a single parent home. There are a LOT of women who choose to stay because they see how divorced parents are judged, and inaction is easier than action that seems all uphill.

Getting married is easy - as one friend put it "you don't see glossy, fat magazines filled with gorgeous gowns and cakes celebrating 'Modern Divorcee' or 'Martha Stewart Divorces'" - nobody hosts a "divorce shower" (and really, they should - who NEEDS it more than a single mom?).

Like I said previously, it's often the attitude and prejudices of others that hurts those affected by divorce - not the divorce itself.

We need to change the way we view others who have gone through divorce, for the sake of their kids (if we're all so concerned about the damage) and for the sake of other moms.

* Giyen did say on her blog that she understands that divorce isn't often easy and I totally respect that. Giyen has gone through divorce hell as a child - and I didn't. I admire her for her maintaining balance in her life and her perceptions, even after what she has gone through.

I needed to respond to that crusty, tired, old chestnut of "divorce is an easy choice" for the sake of all the self-righteous young marrieds who believe that "I'll never get a divorce like THEM, I took my vows seriously!".

If even one self-righteous type actually THINKS about their divorce prejudices critically because of my responses - and modifies their behaviour as a result - then I'm happy. It'll help another mom - and her kids, and that's what really matters, isn't it?

Pirates VS Fairies - A Birthday Party

This weekend was another birthday party - this year's theme? Tinkerbell. (If you haven't been hanging around little girls this year you might not get it. Tinkerbell and associated fairy clique from Pixie Hollow are the IT girls of 2009.)

There was a wee problem with the fairy party theme, though, as every one of the fairies - including my own - had a very loved brother who would also be coming to the party. The brothers took a universal (and understandable) stand against boy fairies.Was not. Going. To happen.

There was a solution to the problem, suggested by my little fairy's loving but firm - brother, "There are boys in Peter Pan... and pirates! Tinkerbell is from Peter Pan. The boys can be pirates!"

This was said with so much... relish... that I wondered what would happen. What was he thinking?

I found out.

The party went well - a house filled with sparkles, and "arrrghs". It was Fairies VS Pirates for most of the party - kids baracading themselves in one bedroom or another while the "enemy" planned their attack.

I now know that cutlasses and wands are pretty evenly matched in a fight.

The movie went over well (another big screen event like the Star Wars birthday). The cake was lovely - a Tinkerbell cake of course... very bright and adorable, the girls loved it. The boys ignored the girlie colours and wolfed down the chocolate cake inside. M and I tried to ignore the fact that washing the icing off the dishes was remarkably like washing Vaseline off of the dishes - only in brighter colours.

We bought a huge bouquet of flowers for decorating the house. Actually, I confess... the flowers were not the crowning touch of my beautiful, well kept home... the flowers were to help hide my lack of domesticality. I buy flowers, dim the lights and serve strong drinks to the parents in the hopes that they will not notice my less than Martha level of housekeeping.

I whipped up a quick Monarch butterfly pipe-cleaner animal to decorate the flowers and sort of tie in with the fairy theme.

The girls loved dressing up for the party - the house was filled with beautiful, sparkling fairies and bright sunny smiles...

The mini pirates, including my own, looked suitably dastardly and very happy with their pirate-ness.

My own mini-pirate woke me up that morning with "Mom! I'm ready for the party and I'm already wearing my costume." Costume? What costume my bleary sleep-muddled mind tried to sort out and I struggled out of the blankets. We hadn't organized a costume yet...

"I've even done some scars!"

Scars? "What?" I cracked open one eye.

"See?!?" A bandana, a cute striped shirt, a cutlass in a belt slung over his shoulder... eyepatch, a lot of his sister's play jewelry... and what was on his face? Scars? There was marker all over his face. He had drawn a small red scar on one cheek, and a lovely gruesome scar over the other eye.

"What did you draw that with?" I asked. "My markers!" he said, grinning.
"You mean the permanent markers?" I asked, but I already knew the answer.
Yes. The permanent markers.

A little while later he observed, "Wow, mom. That stuff doesn't wash off."

"Yeah. That's why it's called permanent, dear."

Guess who's going to school tomorrow covered in pirate scars?

He's thrilled.

Would You Call It Cheating?

Work is stressful, the kids are sick with the stomach flu (SO much fun) and I have a stubborn headache. I think I would rather concentrate on knitting today. My solace, my refuge... my sanity.

When I originally began learning how to knit (more than 4 whole months ago) I bought the Klutz Press Knitting kit . I loved it, loved the hat pattern (obvious, I know). I figured the Klutz Press Crochet book would help overcome my crochet "issues".

When I cracked open the kit I had some serious doubts. I had a serious case of yarn lust. The yarn in the kit is two colors - lilac and a beautiful blue-green speckled combination. I loved it. Smooth, beautiful drape, shiny and soft... it's so pretty - I thought - why would I waste it on my (most likely to be) pathetic and failed attempts at crochet?

But some small neurotic corner of my brain considers that to be something like cheating. I'm cheating on my brand new relationship with crochet. What kind of crochet relationship can I possibly hope for if I'm not willing to commit the good yarn to my crochet hook?

Would you call it cheating if I used ugly yarn to crochet and saved the pretty stuff for knitting? Would the yarn know? Is that a venial sin or a mortal sin (I suppose the degree of sin depends on how bad my crochet turns out). Am I cheating or am I saving the beautiful yarn from a fate worse than... well... there's not much worse than my crochet efforts.

The other knitting issue I have is a whole different bag. What DO crafty people carry their... stuff... in?

I have Rubbermaid tubs for my yarn "stash" (and my yarn "stash" is growing exponentially, something like I remember the 'Monster Dough' growing in my mother's fridge). I have a folding dowel and fabric "granny style" yarn holder next to my reading chair... but I'm struggling with the craft bag to carry my knitting around in. To work, to "Stitch and Bitch" and... well... everywhere I go. I'm addicted.

 Some knitters carry reusable shopping bags, some carry fancy expensive crafty bags... and at least one person I know is using a diaper bag for their knitting or crochet. Right now I'm using a twine bag (left) - which looks lovely and provokes compliments... but it's not working out that great.

While it's cute and artsy - it's crocheted twine. My mind BOGGLES when I think about what poor third world country woman made this bag - what did her poor hands look like after crocheting horrible scratchy nasty TWINE for hours? I bought it from a "fair trade" store, which I like the idea of doing. Go me! I love the fact that it's biodegradable and made of natural renewable materials - again go me!

The problem is, it sheds nasty little fibers all over my projects and the bag is saturated with slivers of wood. It's really not "touch friendly" and my clothes, knitting and everything has twine sheddings all over.

So I am using another bag inside of it to mitigate the slivers and fibers on my projects, at least... and I'm trying not to touch the bag when I'm carrying it on my shoulder. You can imagine how that looks as I wander around leaning to one side to avoid touching the slivered, shedding wonder bag.

The shoulder strap on the twine bag also stretches horribly so the bag ends up swinging around somewhere near my KNEES - and I'm I'm amazon tall! It would drag on the floor behind normal women.

Such a pretty picture, I know.

My questions are:

1. Do I: line the bag and shoulder strap and continue being artsy and biodegradable, etc? Bonus points for being determined and customizing it.
2. Do I: ask for a craft-type bag for Mother's day and completely surrender my artistic coolness to the realities of my identity as a craft mom?
3. Do I: search for a different artsy bag and hope for the best?
4. Do I: stop stressing, lie down for a bit and then MAKE MY OWN DAMN BAG.

Also, can you WASH a twine bag? Maybe that will remove the wooden fibers? Do I want something I can't even WASH? Ick!

What do YOU use to tote your crafts? What would be the best craft bag ever?

Keeping a Sick Kid Busy (Dress Up Dolls)

How do you keep a sick kid busy?  Keeping sick kids occupied is my Waterloo - especially when my darling children "share" their colds with me. I prefer to keep them on the couch or in bed with a box of tissues, a "barf bowl" and an ear thermometer nearby. Sometimes they have to be immobile for tests (DS has to lie still for EEGs and EKGs) or at the hospital (the worst is after after a Ventolin neb treatment for Asthma, so jittery!).

I usually load them up with a snack, books, some music and some small toys - which keeps them occupied for at least 30 seconds.

So I pull out the craft supplies (can you hear me saying "Ta Da!" in my head?)

Warning: move your good craft, sewing, knitting and other supplies out of reach (way out of reach!) before your kids start hunting for supplies for their "projects". Once they've started hunting for materials - it's like trying to stop a herd of wildebeests. They'll grab anything that looks good, especially if it's expensive and you've already made plans for it and the sight of a gaping hole in that lovely trim or your chopped up bit of mohair yarn is enough to drive you completely around the bend...

Not that anything like that has happened to me.

One of our favourite sick kid activity: dress up dolls.

Draw a doll-shape on felt fabric & cut out. Hand your child some felt fabric, washable markers, a glue stick, safety scissors, stickers and paper patterns traced from the doll to make a "wardrobe".

The doll needed underwear. With pink polka-dots.

Use tassel trim for doll hair (see above) and attach it to the doll firmly. Tassel trim doll hair tangles less and has a curly, shiny look and it takes a lot less time to attach than wool hair. Use other trim types for hats, crowns and skirts (the crown above is really trim with spangles, so is the pink skirt below). I buy bags and bags of trim remnants from fabric stores - it works great and it's inexpensive.

Felt, heavier weight cardboard (cereal boxes, gift bags) and construction paper all work for dress-up doll sets, too. Pipe cleaners, stickers and paper doilies can also add some variety to their "wardrobe". Keep it all in a plastic container with a lid (the lid can be the work surface and stage) with the designer supplies - and you can recycle the "wardrobe" when the kids are bored with it.

Even your other kids can get in on the fashion designer action - or you can make them "dolls" more suitable for their taste; dress up the monster, dress the alien, outfit the horse, or one of my favourites, the "Pediatric Picasso" felt shapes for making abstract art work (very popular in kids hospitals).

The point isn't to make it perfect, it's about experimenting and keeping their minds off feeling sick.

Other great projects? Hand them a "puppet kit" - a box of pipe cleaners, clean old socks and stickers. For more patient kids origami or paper airplanes might keep them occupied. A flashlight in a darkened room is great for hand shadows... or my favourite as a kid - macrame friendship bracelets and even plant hangers (an I.V. pole is fantastic for hanging macrame or skeins of wool off of BTW).

Have fun and get well soon!

Emily Carr's "Autumn Woods" in Icing and M&Ms

Every year there's a Fine Arts faculty "Edible Art" party at the end of the year. Kind of a reward for making it through yet another year of encouraging young minds to think creatively (whether they want to or not)... and another year of having your family ask when you're going to get a real job.

M asked me for help with this year's edible art creation. He's been doing this for quite a few years and needed some fresh ideas. I suggested a cake with an impressionist style painting rendered in Smarties or M&Ms embedded in the icing. We decided on "Starry Night" by Vincent van Gogh - recognizable, pretty and blotchy enough to look passable when rendered in small bits of coloured chocolate.

Alas! We forgot one thing; blue M&Ms are kind of a minority colour - and "Starry Night" is distinctly blue.

Faced with either buying a mammoth amount of candy or changing the painting - we modified the painting choice to a work of art with a decidedly warmer colour palette; "Autumn Woods" by Emily Carr.

(Caveat: I'm not a huge fan of Carr's - I know, a Canadian artist saying that is practically sedition- but for this -er- "medium", Emily Carr was a natural choice. Har har.)

M baked a chocolate cake, slathered on some chocolate icing, and then brought home a huge bag of mini M&Ms (and Starbucks, nectar of the Gods and a not so subtle bribe).

If you ever have to do this, I highly recommend the mini M&Ms - less awkward to work with, more flexibility. You can get more colour into a smaller space... because who wants to make a 4 by 4 foot cake to accurately render a painting?

Oh, and keep a broom and dustpan handy and lock pets out of the room. These babies love to roll - and chocolate isn't good for pets.

After covering the cake in M&Ms it resembled a cobblestone street surface:

I quickly discovered that we didn't have enough space for detail, and I'd have to make some editorial choices with the design. This cake ended up more inspired by Carr's work than an accurate representation.

If you squint real hard it kinda looks like it.

After decorating the cake I threw a tissue paper "frame" around it (all art needs a frame) and M boxed it up for transport.

If you'd like to try it, but want to avoid getting sticky (or you're just plain sick of the smell of chocolate this soon after Easter) try this virtual M&M art builder instead.

Easter Cupcakes - Felted Ones!

I recently purchased Betz White's book "Warm Fuzzies". The cover features delicious looking cupcakes made out of felt. I was inspired. I purchased a few sweaters from a local thrift store, some craft felt and supplies from the local dollar store, a bunch of ribbons on clearance from Michaels and a bag of "odds and ends" of trim from a fabric store.

I decided to make a couple cupcakes to take with us as gifts for family members this Easter Sunday.

   

The first stage of felting - in the washing machine on the hottest setting possible (which in this case is "Sanitary") and with some soap. The sweater I was felting was inside a zippered pillowcase. I also threw in some towels and dryer balls, which made enough noise thunking around in there to completely terrify the cat. After a nice soak in the hot tub everything went into the dryer on the hottest setting.

I stuffed the felt (this piece is craft felt, not felted a sweater) slightly with polyfill.

Once the felt was rolled it was pinned and trimmed.

Yes, my manicure is horrible. My excuse is I'm an artist - and I'm sticking to it! ;-)
At least I don't have paint or clay under my nails. Today, anyway.

Now for the sewing, basting on the trim and then the felted sweater cuff.
I modified Betz White's pattern slightly. I've added some trim elements that I think will look a lot like icing.

The finished product - two felt cupcakes, topped with cherries and sprinkles...

Trying out one of the "sprinkles" on the cupcake...

I think they are pretty cute!

Here's the final packages for Easter Sunday; the felted cupcakes, some jelly beans, cupcake themed magnetic lists, cupcake themed magnets (taped to the blue envelopes) and cards (not pictured) with a cupcake theme.

Happy Easter everyone!

I Fixed It

There's a phrase that is guaranteed to annoy me; broken home.

Single parents and divorced parents hear that their kids come from a "broken home" constantly. The implication is that a home with one functioning parent can't possibly be healthy, happy, productive or positive. A single parent home is a failure, damaging, the cause is hopeless, the children are lost, damaged victims.

The reality is there are a lot of marriages that are less healthy than a lot of single parent homes. A ring on your finger isn't a guarantee of a healthy family. A healthy home for your kids is a direct response to the needs of your children - and if your marriage is contentious or unhealthy then responding to the needs of your children is to improve or change that situation - by healing, distance or divorce.

Forcing your kids to live in an unhappy - but married - household isn't healthy. The fact that you are still married doesn't negate negative family dynamics. Divorce doesn't damage children, how we behave does. A parent who makes the happiness and health of their child a priority will do so married, or not - a parent harms their child will do so married, or not.

“For ages, people have declared that divorce damages children. We hear the term “broken home” and assume that these children will somehow be less adjusted than those that come from an intact family. More recently, studies are suggesting that how the parents handle the divorce and later co-parent is what really affects the children.” Dr. Marjan Madison

As one counselor told me when I was heartbroken over the fact that lots of people in the world would now pre-judge us as having a "broken home" because the kids and I were on our own;

"the fact that you showed your children by your actions that you were willing to do what's hard, what's scary, what's difficult for their sake is the healthiest thing - ever. Your kids won't be damaged by a single parent home, they'll grow up knowing that they were important enough for you to do whatever it took for them to be healthy."

I can sum it up in a quote from one of my favourite TV shows, Grace Under Fire: "My home is not a broken home. When I got a divorce, I fixed it!"

Eggs-travaganza

Today's Easter Egg colouring project with the kids. Tomorrow french toast. Just a coincidence.

Colour theory in action!


So many colours to choose from!

Dr. Laura on Working Moms

Being a SAHM is, according to Dr. Laura, "the best gift a woman can give herself, her family and society". Being a SAHM is "the sweetest thing you can do for your family". But this isn't a slam against working moms - Dr. Laura insists. It's just that working just isn't as important as staying at home - but she wouldn't want working moms to feel guilty.

That's her "sense of humour".

According to Dr. Laura it's so tough being a SAHM - "they're told they're setting themselves up for terrible things". What precisely does Dr. Laura want? Does she want deliberate denial of some harsh, but necessary realities? Does she want SAHMs to live in ignorance of the need for an education, health care coverage, pensions, the possibility of divorce, the need for their own credit rating, self-development, their own needs and a million other realities... so they don't feel bad?

Yes, it's harsh being a SAHM when confronted by those issues. It's also harsh being a working mom confronted by those issues. The decision to be a SAHM should be an informed decision, shouldn't it? Aren't we adults? Why do we need to be shielded from reality in order to make our choices?

Notice Dr. Laura's mocking tone when she speaks of herself as a career woman. She states that her son "didn't even know his mother worked". Why not? Why hide that fact? Is it that horrible for her darling son to realize his mom was just like the majority of moms - and like the majority of adults - she worked?

Dr. Laura asserts "you can do both as long as you're not wearing yourself out" - then she lists all the priorities a mom should also be concerned with. This is just laughable. She implies that working moms should pursue flexible working options. I guess she believes flexible work options are easy to come by.

In a recession.

The reality is flexible work options often have to be earned over time... by career moms. You'd better believe that my kids knew I was a working mom long before I got my career to the level where I could telecommute in my jammies once in a while.

Don't fret says Dr. Laura - once the kids are in school you have that whole "middle of the day" to do... and she stumbles here... to do whatever. Like that law career you left years ago... you can squeeze that in between Kindergarten drop off and pick up - right?

There's a missing reality here. Most work opportunities you can squeeze into the "middle of the day" - especially if you've been out of the workforce for a while - will be in the service industries. Part time - lower pay than you'd need to support your family on your own - and probably without benefits.

Meridith asked "Don't [moms] have to live in the real world?"

Dr. Laura asserts that the real world is women leaving work and being SAHMs. Really. After all, day-cares are going out of business for lack of children! Really! All moms are leaving the workforce - and now they're shocked to realize they didn't need to work after all. None of them - even in this recession (which she doesn't seem to think matters very much). "They don't let things like this economy get in the way..." says Dr. Laura. Those moms just need to be forced into staying at home to recognize the errors of their wrong-thinking about needing to work.

I love how Dr. Laura excuses her own working mom career as being, well, special. She wasn't like all the other working moms. She's the only special working mom who made arrangements for her child that weren't harmful. The rest of us working moms apparently throw our kids into a pit of howling wolves and bubbling acid (otherwise known as "child care") as we saunter off in Prada to our silly, unnecessary careers.

Not that Dr. Laura's attacking us.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

If you're a SAHM who doesn't have an independant financial welfare plan for yourself and you believe Dr. Laura whole-heartedly then I highly recommend reading "The Meaning of Wife" by Anne Kingston.

If Dr. Laura's telling the truth this book won't change your mind about Dr. Laura's opinion - but if Dr. Laura is wrong in fifty million ways... then you might be in for some good, useful information that could help you... and your kids.

Working mom or SAHM - I'm not going to tell you you're doing is wrong - I just want to make sure you're doing it right.