Momartfully

Ellen Degeneres and my divorce

I watched this tonight. An old routine (2006/07) where Ellen performs an interpretive dance about her coming out experience.

It's hilarious and poignant.

And familiar.

Her experience with coming out was exactly what I went through with my divorce experience - only her experience was on a much larger scale, of course. Ellen says;

"So... that's what happened. And it's interesting because being down there - and I know a lot of people have been down there, and it doesn't matter what the reason is, it's a very symbolic thing, it's a mental thing. When you are down there, there are times you do not believe you will ever, ever get up again. And it's a scary place, and it's very dark.

But I believe that's when you grow the most, when you face your fears, that's when you grow. And so I decided I am going to face every fear I have. I am going to challenge myself every opportunity I get...

...I cannot worry about what people think about me. There are things that need to be said, things that I will say. I will. I know a lot of people don't want me to say them, because people think once something has stayed a certain way for a certain amount of time - leave it alone, don't change it.

But I think things need to change, and I will point them out to you... I will say these things."

Those words resonate deeply with me. I've seen what prejudice and bigotry does to the perception of divorce, to divorced people and to the children of what they would like to call "broken" homes.

Divorce is not what a lot of people think it is, nor is it what they would like you to believe. Fear keeps many clinging desperately to the idea of divorce as always, eternally, inescapably, completely negative - without exception. It's a rigid belief based on fear - because if we all admit that divorce isn't only negative then we might lose the only reasons we have for staying married.

Recognizing the value and positive effects of divorce then forces us all to take a good, hard look at what marriage really is for millions of women and their children.

Accepting divorce as a change with potential benefits then holds married parents (especially) more responsible to do what's best for their children even if it involves immense change and effort. It's no longer acceptable to remain inert if action could yield a better outcome.

Accepting that marriage exists between equals and is voluntary and changeable is the foundation of a true bond - otherwise marriage is simply a trap. A marriage that endures even though the partners didn't have to is commendable - a marriage that endured because there was no other choice has nothing admirable about it.

For a lot of people marriage is pain, harm and fear - and divorce is freedom and hope. It's undeniable, and it's about time that simple truth was widely accepted.

The belief - the prejudice - that marriage is always good and divorce is always bad needs to change.

The harm has to stop.

They don't LOOK "special needs"

Telling others that I have a child with special needs is never something I've really gotten good at - and it's been almost a decade now. It's a tough topic to work into a conversation, it tends to fall flat. Most of the time if someone (like a coworker) asks about my life I'll say "I'm a divorced mom of two, with a new partner and one of my kids has-special-needs." *

I don't know why I usually run the last bit together, I'm not ashamed of my child's issues or our tough but amazing journey. Most of the time it's just that I'm trying to make it easier on the listener. Most of the time it's hard for outsiders to know how to react to, understand and live with us.

"Your child doesn't LOOK special needs" is a commonly blurted reaction around my child - which is usually followed up with widened eyes and a hand quickly clamped over their mouth. You can just tell what they're thinking (my gawd did I say that?).

I almost always understand, blurting out a remark like that isn't an unusual reaction.

Sometimes it can be a thoughtless and prejudicial remark - but it's almost never intended that way. I think those who are surprised by special needs in a "normal' package ("normal" - that feels ugly to say) are coming from a place that is just devoid of information - not filled with judgments. They don't know how to react because they're on new and uncertain ground and so they react with the first thing that comes to mind - without thinking of the consequences.

Sometimes a thoughtless remark is compounded by further remarks "well it must be easier to live with THOSE needs than some poor child who's got ___ (pick your common misconception) because your child LOOKS just fine."

That's a hard one to react to with anything but a deep breath a sigh and a lot of patience.

Appearances have nothing to do with the reality, which is a reality that sometimes gets lost in the reaction.

There's no way of knowing how catastrophic a child's health issues are by appearance alone - I know children all over the SN spectrum and only a few of them have an appearance=severity correlation. That was one of the very first things we ever learned walking in to the Children's Hospital (back when I was on the "I work here" side, instead of the "I live here" side).

Don't judge a book - or a child - by their cover. Behind those perfect curls and lashes could be massive brain damage, behind the child with spasms and a twisted body is a genius IQ, that beautiful "perfect" baby is profoundly Deaf, that soccer star teen is dying of cancer.

I was just discussing the issue of SN children with a "normal" appearance with my family Doctor - she has an adult SN son. For a while her son worked in public helping customers - but he had to stop after being repeatedly hospitalized for anxiety. Customers behaved in often cruel and brutal ways to him - because he didn't "look like he had special needs" and they didn't adapt their behaviour or ramp up their compassion when dealing with him as a result. He simply could not tolerate their "normal" behaviour.

I find two things in that situation sad - that compassion is only switched on for "unfortunates" and that there is still a mistaken perception that special needs people must look like something "other" because they are "other"

We aren't other.

Why think about all this now? For a few reasons: an impending neuro MRI for my SN child and also because we've had guests recently and I've only now noticed their reactions to our family.

My SN child will be going in the the local kid's hospital on Wednesday for a neurological MRI and maybe a chat with the Neurosurgery clinic. We're regulars - aside from all the other issues as part of this syndrome there's also a catastrophic neurological problem that could cause life threatening issues with no warning.

These tests are pretty regular - and so far we've beat the odds. They're still stressful and frightening and this will be his first non-sedated test, so we're hoping to get him through it with a minimum of fear - and to beat the odds again.

The second reason I've been thinking about how our family looks to others grew out of my observations of some recent child guests in our house. They didn't do anything wrong - it's just that I saw our family through their eyes while they were visiting.

And it's different. I don't know how different, though, because to me "normal" is weird. I know we're different, but I have no idea what life is like on the other side.

My daughter's Barbie meets "the cute doctor named Ryan" while Barbie's daughter Stacie is in the ER. Both kids use inhalers at bedtime while being avidly watched by sleepover guests. I have a huge bottle of Pancrease next to my seat at the dinner table that dinner guests large and small ask about. Co-workers wonder why I get so out of breath all the time. I talk medical. One child wears a heart monitor to school for a month - which makes him a mini school celebrity (with the bonus hilarity when the monitor makes funny noises in assembly).

It's hard for outsiders to know how to react to, understand and live with us - I get that.

But I promise that if outsiders can accept that appearances have nothing to do with who we are inside - then we'll assume the same thing about them.

And we'll all come out of this better for it.

-----
* Some would say I have two kids with special needs - but our family doesn't really see Asthma/CF as an issue - it's our normal, it's just something we (the kids & I) have.

Hourly Photo Project

Today was the "Hourly Photo Project" (see Andrea's blog entry for more details and a list of participants).

The assignment was to take one photo each hour of our day. I took the extra challenge and tried for no retakes - and didn't completely succeed - there were a couple unsteady shots I re-took. My day went fast - but it's wasn't literally a blur.

I took the photos with my camera phone and whatever environmental lighting there was for each event. Here's what my day looked like (or rather, what my day  was looking at)...

6 a.m.

On my way to catch the bus to work. The sun isn't even up yet, and the roads are pretty deserted.

7 a.m.

Knitting on the bus. I'm working on a ruffle scarf for my daughter - with yarn she picked out Click "Verve 110" and Shetland's Classic Wool in "Rich Red Tweed". I'm knitting with a 8mm bamboo circular needle - much easier to use on the bus during the rush hour squeeze than long straight needles. After all, I might poke someone - completely by accident. Of course. ;-)

8 a.m.

Already at the office, getting a start on my day and surveying my cubicle "flair";

• the pink pom-pom creature by my monitor is a "Warm Fuzzy" gift from one of my kids, made in Kindergarten class
• jewel case pumpkin calendar - a department project/perk. It's a major accomplishment that it's on the correct month today, usually it takes me a few days to change over
• my stand-up Swingline stapler - sadly in blue not iconic red.
• Various incarnations of sticky notes, because you can never have too many sticky notes

9 a.m.

I'm on my way to a meeting, and I stopped to peer over the handrail at the atrium in the center of the building. Allll the way down...

10 a.m.

Coffee break time - paid for, not free - because I don't look like my pet.

11 a.m.

In a meeting with a colleague, who was wearing these cute sandals. I'm wearing boots - I've already surrendered to Fall.

12 noon

Time to head out for some lunch. And some colour... any colour...

1 p.m.

Drinking yet more coffee (in an environmentally un-friendly cup) and feeling a little Twitchy now.

2 p.m.

Still working. Move along. Nothing much to see here, folks.

3 p.m.

My Veer "Excuses and Alibis and Reasons Why" spiral-bound cubicle swag. There's a bunch of photos with captions explaining why I'm not in my cubicle. The caption for this "Where Am I?" photo: "Daycare called. Another 'Incident'".

4 p.m.

Heading home from work, through the trees, looking at the stained glass bridge up above the sidewalk.

5 p.m.

Driving home in the car with M, we made a quick stop to drop off a very sexy stage light for a client of M's. M loves LED stage lights. If M had his way this is what our house would look like every Christmas.

6 p.m.

We took the kids to Red Lobster as a treat.

The kids enjoyed ripping various sea creatures to pieces. It was a quick (and tasty) demise.

7 p.m.

Bathtime. With Captain Rex, of course.

8 p.m.

Bedtime for both kiddos.

9 p.m.

A London Fog (Earl Grey & Lavender black tea, vanilla syrup & steamed milk) for mom while the kids settle down for the night... and maybe a little more knitting.

10 p.m.

Catching up on some great new media content; Did You Know 4.0  I enjoyed the video and I think I'll be using it at work (like many other great instructional videos) - even if I was momentarily Rick Roll'd.

11 p.m.

I'm in my pajamas and my bathrobe. Night everyone!

Things That Make Mommy Happy

"

It's so important to make Mommy happy. Just make one Mommy happy... make Mommy happy, and you will be happy, too." That's how the song goes... isn't it?

Things that made me happy in the last few days:

1) My new PDA. Sooo lovely. My first PDA. I feel spoiled and very loved that M made this all possible. My favourite features so far:

• the weather report is adorable - animated reports for all my friends on the interweb... and the little windshield wiper animation that clears the screen of digital raindrops when the weather report is for rain... makes a rainy day something to look forward to.
• great games - including two games -out of the box - that my little-ish kids can play and enjoy. THIS IS A VERY VITAL FEATURE in a phone or PDA for single or busy moms with bored kids. I don't know HOW many times I've distracted them with my phone. The best game so far is a tilt-the-marble into the box game that has live feedback (the phone "bumps" with the marble) and takes advantage of the PDA's positional sensor. I'll have to videotape it to show you.
• YouTube and Opera - Eddie Izzard videos everywhere I go - so at least I can laugh while living life in the frantic lane.
• touch interface. So cool. Also pretty.
• Microsoft Mobile. I know what all the iPhone users will respond with. But I do have to work, too, and MS is necessary for work.

2) Knitting group with friends. Lots of yarny projects. And lots of yarns. Ha.
We're still not sure what to call ourselves, the kids would be scandalized by the traditional knitting group of women name "Stitch n' B*tch" so the discussion continues. The half-joking nickname of "the Coven" has come up - it refers to some -er- social difficulties we've had due to our single parent status in our... traditional and conservative local environment.

3) Momtinis and friends. This week's knitting group Momtini was Arbour Mist Exotic Fruits White Zinfandel wine and Fresca, garnished with an orange... and a drinking straw cut in half (because I'm too absent-minded to remember to buy cocktail straws. Bad hostess. LOL)

I'm not saying we're cheap dates - or that single mommies love cheap hooch... but we're all on a budget, and a celebratory drink that is affordable is very much appreciated by parents of limited means.

4) A bead necklace from my youngest - re-strung on elastomer instead of plain old yarn. The yarn died. Poor yarn. I feel loved wearing it because of how loved it makes me feel - and because of how loved my kids feel when they see me wearing items they've made.

5) A new knitting project - a laptop bag for a single mom friend - using some new yarns I recently purchased including a hand spun merino wool/aloe vera combination slub yarn (soooo lovely to touch!) and a kettle dyed merino wool "feather" novelty yarn plus some lovely cotton combo yarns. It will be a combination of red and orange tones - and reminds me of a pheonix.

A pheonix is a very fitting image for for the single mom friend I'm designing this for, who also...

6) ...just started blogging.

The more sucessful single moms voices out there blogging, the better, I say!